My first boyfriend never got over the abortion

I was involved in relationships that were abusive and/or shallow in nature and I believed at the time that there wasn’t a "consequence."

I don’t feel that the information I was given, half an hour before the procedure, would have mattered. My mind was set.

How would you describe your abortion(s)? 

Horrible, degrading, embarrassing, and major feeling of loss. Also relieved in a way, but unresolved.

I feel low self esteem and guilt have hindered my growth and ability to live fully my life as a result of abortions. Plus, my first boyfriend never got over the abortion, my first, and died of alcoholism as a direct result of his overwhelming grief.

I feel a need to be or become pregnant and could not imagine being surgically sterilized and lose the ability to become pregnant.