I do not remember being given a choice

I had just started having sex with a new boyfriend but had sex with a previous boyfriend just one time. I do not know for sure who the baby's father was and I do not even think of any other options beside abortion.

I was not given any information prior to the abortion. I was given a pregnancy test and I was asked when I would like to schedule the abortion. No one ever talked about it being a baby or possible complication or depression in the year to come. I do not remember being given a choice.

The abortion was sterile and mechanical. I never felt sick, had little bleeding and was given two prescriptions. I thought one was an antibiotic.

I do not tell many people about the abortion through the years. Last fall, fifteen years after the abortion I became angry and depressed. I was overcome with feelings of guilt and grief.

To deal with the abortion I went to a crisis pregnancy center (aid to women) and said I needed help. I sobbed for a hour and a half talking with a counselor. We met weekly and are doing PACE bible study. I had to grieve over my sin then learn of the character of God and am now learning about relief, anger, denial and forgiveness.

The abortion has changed my life because I have to live everyday with the knowledge that I killed my own baby. My three children are more precious to me. In all my relationships, I have to decide if I'm going to "tell or not tell". This is the first time that I talked about the circumstances surrounding the abortion and how I felt during before and after the abortion. I meet with the counselor at the crisis pregnancy center weekly. We have been meeting for about four months. Sometimes I feel very hopeful that I'm going to get better and learn to forgive myself and help prevent other woman from going through this torture. At other times, I feel like scum and feel as if I can't help anybody because I am so weak myself.