I had an abortion in 1989 because I was too ashamed to tell my parents that I was pregnant. I was 21 in college and my boyfriend and I were sexually active. I was a coward and too scared and ashamed to reach out to anybody who might have supported me, given me just enough courage to choose life. 

I was a virgin when I went to college. I was naive and was not properly informed to know that being sexually active was not only immoral ("bad"), but you could end up pregnant. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I followed my boyfriend's lead. We didn't discuss it. He just lined up the financial support, we made the appointment and still no discussion. In my mind I didn't have any choice. I wish I had been stronger. Since that time, I've known people who were young and unmarried and got pregnant - and they chose life. Even though I know I am forgiven and healed, I wish that I had been stronger. I'm a big believer in sonograms. I always wonder... if I had seen the life within me... would I have been just courageous enough to not have an abortion.

The Lubbock clinic was about a 10-minute drive from campus. I don’t remember anyone loitering outside the clinic to change our minds. There were forms that I robotically signed. I didn’t have to wait long before I was in a room and on a table. The doctor or assistant may or may not have explained to me what was happening. | I remember a suctioning noise and slight tugging feeling inside and it was done. I had an abortion. 

While mine and my boyfriend's relationship continued beyond that fateful decision, it was tainted and existed in a lie that pretended that everything was all better now that “the problem” was taken care of. I remember convincing myself that our decision was our little secret that somehow bound us and sealed our relationship. Our relationship was built and resided on sand – shifty and shallow; and rocks – it was so rocky. Why would it be anything otherwise? We were not living a Godly life. We didn't seek healing. We finally broke up within the year after I graduated college. But that relationship and abortion experience changed me – my soul, my values. I no longer required a committed relationship status to have sex. My thought process was: “I’m attracted to you. A little drunk I’m uninhibited, so bonus for both of us. This is what single adults do. Etc.” I lived this promiscuous lifestyle for a couple of years. Until I turned 26, I continued to turn away from my values, shutting out God and church from my life. If I did attend church, I knew the light of truth would shine so brightly upon my sins it would blind me, bring me to my knees. 

I found forgiveness before coming into the Catholic Church in 2014. Even though I had sought God's forgiveness, I confessed my abortion to the priest before initiation into the Catholic Church. But it wasn't until I felt God calling me to share my story on an ACTS Women's Retreat in 2017 that I truly began to heal. I knew that I needed to start by telling my husband of 22 years that I had had an abortion all those years ago. Sharing my story with him and others meant that I would have to "go back" in time, recounting everything, the pain, the shame. But that experience, writing about it, was a priceless one, for me a foundation for real healing. Whether you share your story in a public way or not, I believe recounting and writing about it can bring complete healing. Eventually I would also share with our four children (high school, college-age). I did not want them or anyone they knew to make the same choice that I did. I wanted them to know that I was there for them no matter what.

After 28 years of silence - by God's infinite love and mercy - I was finally free from the shame of my abortion and that is why I am silent no more!