My name is Elaine and I grew up in a rural community in Saskatchewan. My parents separated when I was a baby and my mother passed away when I was 14. My father suffered from depression and unable to parent properly. In reality, he was hardly ever home. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain of neglect and isolation. I became pregnant at 19, even though I was using contraception. The pro-abortion doctor I turned to told me that at 9 weeks, my baby was little more than a sprouted wheat seed. That was a lie, and she knew it. The truth was that my baby had fingers and toes and a beating heart. I needed to know the truth in order to make an informed decision. I felt disrespected, but the doctor wasn’t finished with me. “You’re kind of a party girl,” she said. “Just have an abortion.” So I took her advice and believed her lies. I aborted my child. 

My addictive behavior became much worse after the abortion. I married the father of my aborted child, and exactly a year after my aborted baby’s due date, we had our first living child. I had great difficulty bonding with this beautiful baby boy and that, of course, has impacted his life. My husband and I both suffered for 10 years with guilt and shame, depression and serious addictions. We never discussed the abortion.

Then, our eyes were opened. Someone shared with us their deeply held Christian faith and in searching for truth, he and I came face to face with what abortion was and what we had done. I will never forget that eye-opening, heartbreaking moment. Pregnant again, this time with a daughter, I had to have an ultrasound because the doctors feared I was in danger of miscarrying. I was at nine weeks’ gestation for that ultrasound and we saw for ourselves that she was already a human being, very much alive. This is another moment I will never forget. I understood that all this baby needed was more time in my womb, which at that point was the only safe place for her. I was able to carry her to term, but there was no hiding from what we had really chosen when we aborted our first child. We destroyed that child, a tiny human being who just needed more time in the safety of my womb.

The truth hurts, but it can also lead to healing. I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat in 2007. My husband did not go with me, but he did attend a retreat in 2019. Through it, we were able to forgive ourselves, and each other. We found healing and restoration from the depression, shame, guilt and addictions that had defined our lives. Today I am part of a Rachel’s Vineyard team in Saskatchewan. I will always regret the day I chose abortion, and I will never forget you, my precious child. You are the reason I am silent no more.