Hello, I am Julia from the Ottawa Valley in Ontario. I will never forget the children I conceived and lost because of the choices I made. In the 1970s, I was a young, independent, healthy, working woman. Like many of my peers, I was sexually active, on the pill, believing it was all acceptable behavior. Then I got pregnant. I was new at my job with student loans to repay. None of my friends had babies, but some had had abortions. I was not married, so I strongly considered abortion. My boyfriend left the decision to me. Abortion was my choice.

The abortion took place in a major hospital, under anesthesia. The next day I returned to work, believing I was OK. Shortly after, I ended the relationship with my boyfriend. The abortion became my secret. I was not in a space to face it.

Years later, after marriage and following the birth of my two wonderful sons, I began to experience insecurity and anxiety. I had nightmares and I gradually became less able to manage basic day-to-day tasks. My life spiraled downward into depression. I left my job. I lost my marriage. I sought out various forms of therapy, but these did not help. I could not seem to get to the ROOT cause of my depression.

Twenty-three years after my abortion, I read these powerful words: “If you are depressed from having had an abortion, help is available..."  In the shock of this message, my body knew the truth and my conscience could no longer suppress the lie that the abortion had HELPED me. The abortion destroyed my child and was also destroying me. I made the call for help, and I found the courage to share my secret while journeying with other mothers and fathers suffering the trauma of losing a child to abortion. 

The baby in my womb was real. I named her Marissa and I grieve the loss of her life. I will never forget her. I repented of the abortion and over time, I accepted forgiveness for this seemingly unforgiveable choice. I had to learn to trust myself and others again. Gradually I was able to return to work full-time. I also learned to recognize triggering events such as the sadness which overcame me during the month of June. That’s when Marissa should have been born and I will never forget that.

In recent years, I have asked God to show me other choices in need of repentance, and I find myself unravelling a decision prior to the abortion. When I started dating, my doctor advised me to use the contraceptive pill as protection. Well, I now know the pill prevents a fertilized egg from implanting in the womb. Instead, the newly conceived child becomes homeless and is aborted. I had conceived a tiny child during this time! I have named him David and I mourn his death. 

My healing journey is ongoing. Over the years I have found help through various post-abortion healing ministries, such as Second Chance Ministry, Rachel’s Vineyard and the Sisters of Life.   

It has involved forgiving myself for accepting the contraceptive/abortion movement. My self perception has been healed. I have embraced myself as woman and mother. I give thanks to God as the Creator of all life from conception to natural death. I am thankful every day for my Church, my sons, family and friends. I have found hope and joy! But I will never forget you, David. I will never forget you, Marissa. You are the reasons I am Silent No More.