I had an abortion because it was 1987 and I was unmarried and pregnant and was engaged to be married. The father was not ready, and his sister provided the doctor's information. It happened so quickly that I did not have time to process. We had a large and elaborate wedding just a few months away and I was ashamed of being unmarried and pregnant. I went to the local clinic with the cash they required. People at the clinic seemed polite, but I kept them at arm’s length. My psychological interview deemed me “thoroughly sound and capable of going forward with the procedure”. There were lots of “you’re too young, you don’t need this responsibility, get married first”. 

Lots of encouragement to get the abortion and not offering any desirable alternative options. They only mentioned you could give the baby up for adoption or keep the child in one sentence. Most of the interview was telling me how “I’m making the right choice to abort”.  The abortion was always referred to as “the procedure” and it was scary and painful. Some nurse had a death grip on my hand. It hurt more than it brought me comfort. You could hear the machines and feel the sensation of tugging. The recovery area was a line of cots full of dazed women. Some were crying.  I remember crying when I got home.  I got a call from the clinic the next day asking how I was.  

I went on to marry, have 3 sons and blocked away that part of my life. I stayed numb and turned to alcohol and became a full-blown alcoholic.  It took years and a family intervention, but I finally got sober. I developed severe depression and was on medication for 2+ decades. Nothing seemed to work, or only for a short time would I have any relief. I developed lots of resentment toward my husband. I blamed him for the abortion when we fought, but we could never discuss the abortion.  

To this day, he has never mentioned it. I don’t know if he was ever sad or relieved. The resentment grew, and I was accused of infidelity.  I never cheated or came close to cheating on my husband.  His resentment of my AA group and sobriety was threatening to him. He likes the old me, but no drinking, not the sober me and woman that I became. It was many years later, I had an affair and eventually divorced. Three years remarried but still struggled with depression. February and September were always very depressing months for me and now I know why.  February was my abortion month, and September should have been my birth month.  About 3 years ago, I started experiencing incredible grief and sadness from my abortion. I had no idea how to process the overwhelming feelings. I could not find any support. Thankfully, I heard Victoria Robinson on an Allie Beth Stuckey podcast. She has Re-Assemble Life and offers abortion recovery retreats to women.  

Thankfully she lived in Nashville and I’m in Franklin, TN.  I reached out to her and was able to attend her 4-day abortion recovery a few months later. It was one of the hardest things I did. The grief and hurt was monumental and I did not leave the retreat healed. Months passed before I could even talk about the retreat without breaking down. Finally, I accepted God’s forgiveness and grace and began to heal. I was blessed to be able to volunteer at one of her retreats 2 years later. I cooked amazing meals and loved on those women.

When I got my abortion, I believed every one of their lies hook, line and sinker. They promised me I could “move on with my life”, “You can move forward and be happy”. It was the biggest lie, and the trajectory of my life changed direction when I had my abortion. It was a future of depression, alcoholism and divorce.