At 22 years old, I had completely bought into the “girl power” propaganda being fed to me constantly by the magazines I was reading, and the media I was watching and listening to. In 1992 there was no internet to search for truth, you believed what you heard and you assumed that everyone had your best interest in mind when they spoke. That summer my new friends and I rented a beach cottage for a few weeks and had parties where I met a man with deep blue eyes and brown curly hair who I fell madly in love with. We were inseparable. A few months later, I found myself pregnant. 

The clinic recommended an abortion facility because they said I was “too young and had too much to do before I even thought of having a child”…. besides, it was “just a clump of cells anyway. It wasn’t a baby yet.” I believed them, after all, they were medical professionals. I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant and he left it up to me because he too was trained by the media ….”my body, my choice “ was the chant of women everywhere. He felt he had no say in the matter. He drove me to the clinic and waited in the parking lot. I went in and was met with a team of nurses cheering me on ….assuring me I was doing the right thing and that it was a simple procedure because it was just a “clump of cells”. 

I knew the minute the procedure started that I had been lied to, but it was too late. This was not a “clump of cells”, it was a baby. I was in shock and mentally numb …and in physical pain. They dumped me in a chair in a waiting room with other women like me. They left me there with a package of saltines and juice to wait and make sure I wasn’t going to have complications. We didn’t speak the whole way back to his home where I recuperated. We never spoke of what happened and we never told anyone. We pretended it never happened and tried to go on with our lives. A few months later we broke up. I couldn’t bear to see his face anymore as it was a constant reminder of what I had done, and I needed to escape from it. 

He tried quite a few times to contact me, but I ignored his calls and refused to see him. Eventually he gave up. I was dead inside and turned to constant partying which was easy to do as I was a bartender and managed a bar. This numbed the pain and helped to avoid reality. About a year later I met another man, who was going through a divorce, we hit it off and partied together. We dated for about a year and then I found myself pregnant again. I immediately stopped partying and was thrilled to have a second chance. We planned on getting married the following June after the baby was born. I got a call from my doctors office telling me that my prenatal tests revealed that my baby had Down’s Syndrome. They recommended ending the pregnancy. I was so upset and inconsolable at the mere mention of another abortion. I would never have another abortion, ever. 

I told my boyfriend what had happened a few years prior and that under no circumstance was I having an abortion. He agreed. We both wanted this child regardless of any medical issues that may come with it. The doctors were not thrilled with our decision and then recommended an invasive test that had severe possible side effects. We refused as the results of those tests wouldn’t change our minds. After a delivery filled with medical errors including an emergency cesarean section, we finally had our baby girl, and she was perfectly healthy. No Down’s syndrome. 

Long story, short… Michael cheated on me, and I moved out a few weeks after she was born. When she was 6 months old, he was hit head on while driving his motorcycle and was severely injured and partially paralyzed. He died 6 years later from his injuries. I continued on as a single Mom raising our daughter. I never spoke of my abortion to anyone else and the only person I had told was now gone. I never included it in any of my medical records and never mentioned it to any doctor. The only person who knew now was the dad. 

Over the years I would get triggered by different things and the pain would start to seep out, especially around the anniversary of my abortion. I’d shed some tears, but quickly buried it back inside and pushed it down so I could continue on denying it. Speed up to 2022 and Roe vs Wade is about to get overturned, the election cycle is all about abortion and it’s the 30 year anniversary of my abortion.

The abortion commercials and news casts are incessant and inescapable. I tried to change the channels every time abortion topics would come on, but it became overwhelming and triggering. Finally in October the damn broke. The tsunami of emotions was incredible. My abortion could no longer be ignored, and the grief overcame me. I never grieved the death of my first child and now I was ….and I embraced it. I needed to. In the weeks and months to come, I finally allowed myself to not only grieve, but to also think about and recall what had happened 30 years ago. 

I got a workbook for the trauma caused by my abortion and started processing everything. It was an incredible journey and for once I could see things clearly. I did a lot of praying and continue to do so. This journey has brought me closer to God and has restored my faith. Awhile back a Pastor friend of mine who told me that his first wife suffered trauma from having an abortion. I asked him questions, but I never mentioned my abortion. He mentioned some resources were available to help those who had trauma from abortion. Knowing I wasn’t alone and that there was help out there for abortion trauma was a relief and gave me hope. 

So, I started my search on the internet but the majority of results I found were articles denying that abortion trauma existed and that it was a “made up thing that pro-lifers used to deny women abortions”. Finally, I found a program close by through a crisis pregnancy center and in July 2023 I got the courage to call and start their program. The program took me through my healing journey where I found forgiveness through Christ despite being able to forgive myself. My healing journey has given me clarity through truth. 

While I wholeheartedly take responsibility for my actions, I recognize that I did not have the truth and critical facts, and I put too much blind faith in people who called themselves medical professionals. I realize now my abortion affected everything in my life from ending that relationship to being an overprotective parent to my daughter and everything in-between and I was completely unaware. I have finally found peace and freedom after many years of suffering in silence.