I am here today because I was told abortion was no big deal. That it would solve my problem. Abortion did not solve my problem of pregnancy – it ended it.
I was a teen when I was date raped. Afterwards I felt abandoned, dirty, worthless, ashamed, flawed, powerless and hopeless. It never occurred to me that I would become pregnant from this one horrible encounter.
About four to six weeks later I was overcome with morning sickness. An older high school student observing my situation suggested that I might be pregnant. If so there was a solution,but there wasn’t much time. Abortion was the solution…I could find the phone number in a major paper. Finally I caved into my fears and made the phone call that would end the life of my child and begin a lifetime of suffering and regret. The saleswoman on the other end of the phone skillfully confirmed all my fears. The fear of being ridiculed, rejected, a bad example to my siblings, of losing the love of my immediate and extended family, of being a single mother, of my inability to care for another, of not finishing school. She told me to find some friends to lend me 250 dollars and to drive me to the abortuary.
I had an abortion to save myself from my fears.
For years I could not remember my story.
It was the trauma of an ectopic pregnancy that catapulted me back to the day of the abortion and thus began a process of re-membering what happened to me and my child on July 15 1972. My child died in Buffalo N.Y. at the hands of an illegal aboritionist. I remember signing a waiver, I remember handing over 250 dollars. I was never told what was really going to happen. I was escorted in behind a divider, told to put on a gown, escorted into another room and told to get up on to a table, put my feet in the stirrups…everything in me was revolting. I was going through the motions, filled with fear. At some point the abortionist touched me inappropriately in a patronizing way to quell my fears. Then I experienced an intense pain like nothing I had ever known. I remember the high pitched sound of the vacuum aspirator. I remember the jar next to my right foot filling up with the bloody remains of my child. I remember being told it would be over soon. I remember that before it all began, I experienced an urge to stop the whole thing from happening. But I didn’t…I remember the feeling of self reproach that came over me. I wanted to die.
I knew with all my being that I had crossed a line…that what I had just done, what I had allowed to happen was out of my realm. I knew that I couldn’t return to the before, not ever! I had touched a cosmic reality…an earth shattering moment that I now know was a scream, so to speak, as my child died through killing. I had an instant hatred of myself and I began to cry. Nothing could quiet me or console me. I was having a right ordered response to breaking the fifth commandment, Thou shalt not kill. I had instant grief, guilt, remorse. I was given a sedative which I hoped would never wear off. Eventually not knowing how to get back to the ‘before’ of my life I looked at myself and said "I hate you, you will never be able to fix this". I moved into denial because of my fear to face what had really happened that day… a person had died, and I had consented to the death. My denial was kept in place by the world around me that said abortion was no big deal. Like the world around me, it was all about me and it would remain that way for years as I lived in denial as an escape from the emotional, physical, spiritual and relational pain of the abortion. I masked the pain through substance abuse, sexal promiscuity, workaholism, starving myself, living on coffee and two packs of cigarettes a day. My selfpunishing behavior led to a generalized infection throughout my body. I suffered from suicidal ideation, displaced anger, abortion connectors, especially dentist’s drills, vacuum cleaners, and doctors. I lived on a merrygo round of self hatred, and self-condemnation. The self-talk in my head was always defensive. I became an advocate of abortion, I shut down my maternal instincts, rejecting my ability to nurture life and give birth.
An ectopic pregnancy broke the denial that abortion had killed my first child, Sarah Elizabeth. As I was wheeled into operating room for emergency surgery after bleeding internally for three days, I had a flashback. It was the first time since the abortion that I was in a situation similar to the day of the abortion. I remember thinking, "This surgery is just like abortion. I can’t do this!" I asked the nurses to stop wheeling me into the operating room; they didn’t listen. Remebering how I wanted to stop the abortion, I sat up on the stretcher and yelled "STOP, I will not do this !" The surgeon became irate and my family Dr. said "Angelina, you will die if you don’t have this surgery." To which I said, without thinking, "So be it, I would rather die than kill my baby." In that moment I experienced a healing of my will. I had chosen the life of my child over myself. What happened next was an extraordinary experience. I knew with my whole being that there was a person growing inside of me. I knew I was pregnant. I knew I was a mother. I knew I was powerless before life and death. I knew it was not mine to decide who lived or died. I remember crying out in silence from my heart, "God help!" "Mother Mary, help! "St.Therese’, Help!" Suddenly I became aware of a profound peace, unlike anything I had ever known. And then I saw with my spiritual eyes the soul of my child depart from me. I went into the surgery knowing that God was in charge, and that there really was a child, a person. This experience forced me to ask the question, "What happened when I was fifteen? Was there a child then? Was there a soul? Was there a person? And where was he or she now?
All that I had suffered for so many years was the result of not facing the other. I never let myself face the other until I lost this child 14 years later through an ectopic pregnancy. It was safe to face this child whom we named Joseph Michael. His short life of 8-10 weeks gestation opened the door for me to face my first child.
Healing began when I faced the truth that the killing of my first child through abortion was wrong and always will be. When I confessed my sin to a priest my journey of healing and integration began. Honesty is what brought me relief from the years of suffering. The inner conflict came to an end when I faced the truth and asked forgiveness from God, my child and significant others. Healing happened when I received the mercy of God, when I accepted His forgiveness and no longer held my transgression against myself. Healing happened when I forgave those who had sold me the rotten bill of goods, who told the lies, who were part of the damage done to my whole being by the abortion. There were many good people who supported me along the way.
Abortion did not fix anything. It killed my daughter Sarah Elizabeth and killed a part of me.
Abortion did not liberate me. It enslaved me to a living hell.
Abortion did not empower me. It robbed me of my geneology and the geneology of my children.
It left me unable to have more children because of pelvic inflammatory disease contracted during the years when I was acting out my self-hatred and looking for the words you are loveable; you are forgiven.
Abortion did not turn back the clock. It led to years of regret and remorse.
Do I regret my abortion? How can there be any other truly "human" response to abortion, but REGRET.
Yes, I Angelina Steenstra regret my abortion.
Choice/Free Will – First healing experience I remember is when I turned my will over to a power higher than myself: God. I didn’t create me or my baby.
For a video of Angelina sharing her testimony at the March for Life in Ottawa, Canada in May 2010, click here.