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Testimonies
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Free of the pain and the guilt
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Mary
Florida,
United States
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In May of 1979, I was a very frightened girl. I was having a baby. In fact, I was so afraid of what my parent’s reaction would be and what could happen to me and my family, that I had an abortion.
I was in shock when I went to have my abortion and I think I remained in shock for a long time after it. The painful experience of my abortion was buried so deep that I did not even begin to really think about it or remember it until 24 years later.
I remember lying on the table during the abortion and feeling as if the life inside of me was being sucked out. I cried during the entire procedure and as the tears kept streaming down my face, I sang the song “I Don’t Know How to Love Him.” It’s a song from Godspell that Mary Magdalene sings about Jesus. And that’s how I felt. I was not loving my God and, as I found out afterwards, my abortion was the most unloving thing I could do to myself and my daughter.
For years after my abortion, the guilt, shame, and pain weighed me down. I had done something that was immoral and unthinkable. And I continued on a path in my life and in relationships that compromised my morals, hurt my body, and made me feel less and less proud of myself.
Many people saw me as a successful loving and spiritual person. What they didn’t know was that I lived in fear. Fear in telling the secret of my abortion, fear of getting too close to a man, fear of being too close to God. I was afraid of dealing with the most hurtful, traumatic experience in my life.
Twenty four years after my abortion that changed. My involvement in my church lead to a phone call asking me to help with a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. I began to cry. Except this time they were tears of relief because I finally could share and deal with my abortion and not be afraid anymore. That year happened to be the same year I opened my heart to a man, and I got married. My husband joined me on the weekend that changed my life for the better. I am free. Free of the pain and the guilt. And it is because of the support of my family, my husband and my daughter Gabrielle that I stand here today. You see, my daughter waited a long time for me to finally acknowledge her and love her. And I think it is because of that and the fact that she’s a very spunky girl from Brooklyn that she inspires me and gives me the courage to be Silent No More.
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