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The Grief I Carried
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Frances
Washington,
United States
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I would like to thank Priests and Anglicans for Life for allowing me to share my story. I share it in the hopes that men and women will understand the dark reality to abortion that our secular media so vehemently denies.
Like many youth from the 70’s and ’80, I became involved in a lifestyle of drinking and drug use upon entering college. In the spring of my freshman year I became pregnant. I was ashamed to tell my parents and feared my baby’s father would leave me if he learned of our child. I convinced myself that I had no choice but to end my pregnancy.
Planned Parenthood assured me that a first trimester abortion was safe and the best decision for my future. On the day of my abortion, I walked alone to the hospital. As the abortion was completed and the child within me died, I felt an incredible sense of emptiness and guilt. I walked home alone, a spiritually dead young woman.
I attempted to continue my life as before the abortion, but I struggled with an ever increasing sense of despair. In addition to my drug and alcohol use, I battled bulimia almost daily. Through these addictions I sought temporary relief from the overwhelming guilt at having taken the life my own child.
By my junior year, I felt drawn back to my faith in the hopes that I might rebuild my shattered life. Through counseling I conquered with my chemical addictions, but my battle with bulimia would continue for many years. I accepted Christ’s healing forgiveness for my actions, but it would be many years before I was able to forgive myself.
When I met my husband of 27 years, I brought the secret of my abortion into our marriage. Though he accepted me with love and compassion, he recognized that the guilt I still carried was harming our marriage. I returned to counseling and was finally able to forgive myself for taking the life of my child. I believed that I would never again speak of that terrible chapter of my life. But God often has other plans for us.
Four years ago I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. The pain that was brought forth with each story of lost children was heart wrenching. But through this powerful healing ministry I found a safe place with others who suffer from abortion to grieve the life of my child, to heal wounds I did not recognize I still carried, and to connect to my child in a profound way to my child in heaven.
The decision to end my child’s life is one that I will regret for the rest of my life. It is a choice I cannot change, but I am thankful to God that he has allowed me to heal through His grace and forgiveness, and that he now allows me to tell my story without fear and to be Silent No More!
Thank you!
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