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Journey to Freedom
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Marilyn
New York,
United States
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I chose abortion because I had a background and education that was what one might call abortion-friendly. Although a strange term let me explain what it means. To me abortion-friendly is a mindset where people get a certain degree of comfort with the idea of abortion. Maybe not the kind of abortion that kills ones child within her own womb but maybe the kind of abortion that it’s not really a baby yet. Abortion-friendly thinking could be that legalization of abortion is somehow a major step toward liberation that a young woman or man could participate in becoming a smart, savvy, liberated person. It could even be a mindset where abortion is a quick fix for a little mistake as we are on the road to personal liberation.
I kept these thoughts in the back of my mind. When I discovered I was pregnant I hoped my boyfriend would want to be married but he did not. This led me to a feeling of rejection. I also believed that raising a child without a father in the home was a scary and unacceptable option for me. I felt that making an adoption plan was out of the question; much too difficult emotionally, although I told myself that the child would somehow be at great risk with an adoptive family. I did know a few friends who had been through abortions, and they said it wasn't bad at all. Sadly, these thoughts led me to believe that abortion was the best option for me and for my child. Looking back now I can see that the truth of the matter is that abortion just simply looked like an easy answer to a complicated situation.
I told my boyfriend what I had decided. I told him that he would need to get some money together and take me to the clinic. I don't remember any discussion between us. I went to a clinic in Syracuse and used a different name to sign in. Shame and guilt were obviously lurking but I did not recognize them. I secretly said goodbye to my baby and believed I'd see her in heaven. I must have had some capacity to know what I was doing-- snuffing out my own child's life--yet I could label the abortion a choice, which sent me on a path to denial...for many years to come.
The clinic itself had a cold and impersonal atmosphere. I recall two or three young woman sitting in chairs, crying. I still walked forward. Medically it was simply a procedure and it was accomplished. I was sedated so the procedure was seemed surreal. There was a disconnect between me and my feelings and emotions. It did not seem traumatizing at the time. However, to endure the killing of ones baby within is most definitely traumatizing, regardless of intent or mindset. I remember asking a question about long term effects, to which the nurse answered, “It will be over soon and you will never have to think about this again.” So I believed this and put my secret in an emotional safe and buried it deep down where no one would ever find it again, not even me.
Immediately following the abortion I was in a state of confusion. I expected to feel relief but I remember going to my boyfriend's home where his mom was and being unable to speak but just crying and crying and crying. I reached for some wine in the middle of the day because I was in pain, anguish really. I had physical pain from cramping and bleeding and hormones being abruptly stopped, and I had emotional confusion. Probably anger set in because this wasn't supposed to be painful. I may have been angry at myself for such a dreadful situation and angry at my boyfriend for "placing" me in such a position.
As time went on after my abortion I felt a deep sadness. I tended toward eating disorders, alcohol use, and promiscuity. I ended up becoming pregnant again a few months later. The father of this child wanted to be married and raise a family with me. However, I was confused and I carried anger, rejection, and depression into my future, relationships even though they had nothing to do with my prior abortion.
We became man and wife a few months later, however, it was not an easy road for us. For me the emotional pain of my abortion had taken its toll and clouded up my feelings. I wasn't sure if I loved him or if he loved me and I wasn't sure what love really was. This was a very difficult time in our marriage. However, the clouds began to dissipate when I received Jesus Christ as my Savior five years into our marriage. The clouded feelings further dissipated when I received help and healing for post-abortive women through my local Care Net pregnancy center. I have found freedom from the guilt and shame that was on me since the day of my abortion. I have found compassion, love, and forgiveness from others, and from God who has given me a whole new identity as His beloved daughter.
I may have missed all of this forgiveness and healing because I did not even recognize that I needed post-abortive help. I was so much into denying that this abortion had affected me. I thank God for our local care net pregnancy center that strongly suggested that its prospective volunteers go through a healing class if they were post-abortive. I was determined not to let my secret out but finally confided in one of the staff members. I thought I'd die by admitting I'd had an abortion but I did not. It was the beginning of my journey to freedom.
It's amazing what subtle destruction followed in the wake of my abortion and impacted every area of my life, especially my relationships. But it's even more amazing how I have become a truly liberated woman through healing and through the love of God that I found in the post-abortive healing sessions. I have been forgiven and I forgive myself for my abortion and I'm finally free from the shame. This is why I will be silent no more!
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