My first abortion experience was at the age of 15.  I grew up in a single parent household, and my mom was busy trying to keep a roof over the heads of five kids, food in our mouths, and clothes on our backs.  I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad, and I sought what I thought was "love" through relationships with young men.  Guys always told me I was cute, and I used sex to manipulate. 

 

I was very surprised when I got pregnant, because the I was careful when having sex.  The guy who was the father of my child was someone I would call a casual "friend with benefits".  There was no doubt in my mind that I was not going to keep the child.  I was in a bi-racial "relationship", and I just couldn't see myself being tied to this person for the rest of my life.  Plus, I was 15, and I wanted to finish high school.

I have little recollection of the abortion experience, except that I remember someone in the room saying, "It's a boy." But I always wondered how they could have known that, because during the counseling part they kept saying, "It's not a baby, it's just a bunch of cells.  It's not even recognizable as a baby."  

I remember feeling relieved that the procedure was over with and that I could get back to my teenage life.  I had no regard for my child or that I had snuffed out his life. 

 

I forgot all about him until several years after the first abortion, when I found myself pregnant.  I was on birth control but somehow the birth control failed.  I was in a committed relationship, but he had two children from a marriage, and all he seemed to be worried about was the weight I would gain from being pregnant—that I wouldn't be the pretty woman he had lusted after.  

The visit to the Planned Parenthood was cold and sterile once again.  The nurses and doctor were cold and just seemed to be operating through the motions, knowing so many women who graced their doors wanted abortions.  I remember crying uncontrollably, because I loved my boyfriend, and I really thought we could have our child.  

Even though the father of my child didn't want this child, we went on to marry, and we were married for five years before our marriage ended in divorce.  I believe that the abortion certainly influenced our divorcing.  

As I grew in my relationship with Christ, I realized how these abortions influenced every area of my life.  Relationships were difficult, I had drug and alcohol dependence to numb my pain.  I realized after 40 years that I needed help.  I sought out private counseling and devoured abortion materials from Focus on The Family.  A pamphlet called Identifying and Overcoming Post-Abortion Syndrome helped me tremendously.  Reading the book Tilly by Frank Peretti helped me to recognize the importance of naming my aborted children and taking responsibility for my actions.  I have gained a lot of healing by sharing my story and meeting many women who still suffer through the effects of abortion.  

I am grateful that God has brought a level of healing in my life and that I am being called to help others find healing!  I am proud to say I will not stand in the shadows anymore and hide my sin!  I have been forgiven, I have found my voice, and I am #silentnomore.