My life went downhill and stayed there for years

I was 15 years old and sleeping with my boyfriend who said Id have to pay for birth control. I was too embarrassed. When I got pregnant he assumed that Id have an abortion. My parents had already told me that theyd never accept a bastard child so I didnt bother to tell them. [My boyfriend] lied to get the money for the abortion saying he had to have x-rays. I lied to the abortion clinic about my referral (forged document) and had an abortion in the 10th or so week.

I was a frightened young girl who was taken advantage of by her boyfriend, not trusted by her parents, tricked by Planned Parenthood. They lured me to their clinic saying they would refer me to another clinic (no one ever mentioned the baby) and the procedure would be $185.00. When they confirmed my pregnancy, they said they never told me that and wanted to send me to a doctor "associated" with them and the fee would be at least $250.00. I was furious and stole some of their letterhead and forged my own referral. Later a friend of mine did the same thing and was caught. I always felt as though I had really "shown them" until the Holy Spirit showed me.

After that my life went downhill and stayed there for years. I was married and divorced twice to the same man (the boyfriend who was the father of the aborted child) We had another child two years later. His life was destroyed also, although he never ever mentioned it (as though nothing had happened. He shot himself to death.)

After years of drugs and promiscuity, (I must have felt that I could get back at men by using my body. I recall thinking how funny it was that I could pull their string and they would act like a lovesick puppy), I finally began to put my life together. I lived on welfare and food stamps and a rent-free old house that was taken care of by my parents for two years. I later held down 2 & 3 jobs at that time and then put myself through vocational school.

With my new training and education I got a good job and took college courses at night. I wasnt much of a mother during this time, still same neglect and drug abuse as well as an occasional live-in boyfriend, who lived off me. (I guess I liked being in control. Whod blame me?) But I did manage to start to piece my life back together.

When I met my present husband (weve been married for 8 years now and have another little girl 6 years old. He has also adopted my oldest daughter) he was also just another of these boyfriends, but somehow different. He seemed to care about me and wanted to really talk to me. I felt myself becoming dependent on him (something that really terrified me).  We even spoke of marriage. So I promptly had an affair to try and distance myself from him. But this guy was different. He forgave me and loved me. He even knew about my abortion.

We were married one year later. We both had great jobs and were on our way up. For the first 4 years of our marriage, I thought that I had solved all my problems through our financial success. We were both under 28 and together we made over $60,000 (a long way from welfare and food stamps)!

Guess what? Amid all this bliss and financial success I was not happy. I had no idea why but I felt a tremendous burden but I didnt know what. Both my husband and I had been baptized as children and had strayed away from Christ. We began to discuss going to Church for the children.

About two months after attending Southland Christian Church, the pressure grew so great, I would sit and weep. I would just scream because I thought I was losing my mind but didnt know why.

One night the pressure was so great that I ran into the backyard, looked at the sky and said God, please send Jesus into my heart! I need him so bad! Ive been so wrong! I repented for distancing myself from him. Then he revealed to me the source of my pain (my guilt in having an abortion). I am so overjoyed today to share with you what Jesus has forgiven me for my abortion and I have forgiven myself!

Its almost been 3 years since I came to Christ and every day I rejoice in the hope and forgiveness that I have through Christ Jesus. Ive been doing some volunteer work at the local crisis pregnancy center as well as campaigning against abortion. I have great love and concern for the many girls and women who, for whatever desperate reason, resort to abortion or live a life of sexual promiscuity or perversion and whose lives are shattered by the work of Satan.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my experience. Though the story is quite long, I assure you there are many details, which because of space were not included. I believe someday I can relate my situation and the forgiveness of Christ to help those who hold such a special place in my heart.

For now I am content.  I have a wonderful Christian husband. My children have been baptized. I have a church family who love and support me. My career has changed somewhat. Ive become a graphic artist (my schedule is flexible so I can be here when the girls get home from school). Ive also developed a long time interest of mine in writing and illustrating childrens books as well as songs and poems. Im always grateful for God and open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. (2 Corinthians 9:15 NIV).