I love staying in on a rainy day and watching a movie with my children. The best movies are the ones that have a sad beginning but turn out so wonderful at the end that your heart wants to burst. This kind of movie takes you through a roller coaster of emotions and leaves you exhausted but so hopeful in the end. I realized that this was so much like my own story and many others I have been privilege to be witness to at Rachel’s Vineyard retreats and throughout the pro-life movement. So let me take you on my roller-coaster ride.

When I was a child, my family had what most would envy; a great house on a beautiful winding road on river, a father who had his own veterinary business and a mother who stayed home to care for myself and my sister, at least until 7th grade when she worked at my junior high school in the guidance office to keep tabs on me throughout high school.

From the outside, it all seemed to be just right but there was so much that was wrong on the inside. I only remembered attending a local Protestant church a couple Christmases and Easters. Eventually, even that dwindled to nothing. What was severely lacking was an acceptance of Jesus Christ. A family member drank heavily, was severely adulteress and eventually sexually assaulted both myself and another family member. The perpetrator was under more than the influence of alcohol, but of the forces of evil that were keeping him from seeing the horrible things he was doing. I can still see the dark force that emanated from his face when he was committing the crime. After some time, I gathered the courage to tell a family member what was happening and it was sweeped under the rug never to be spoken of again.
Needless to say, I felt alone, abandoned and I thought that love came from relations with a male. I thought if I just give a guy what he wants sexually, he will sweep me off my feet and take me away from the madness and the hurt. When this didn’t happen with the first guy, I moved on to find another. Then disappointment again! And again! My life of promiscuity sunk me deeper and deeper into shame and self hatred. But again, this was not what people saw on the outside. I was getting good grades, succeeding in sports and was well-liked among my peers. I wondered if I would ever find true happiness. My lifestyle took me in the direction of alcoholism, promiscuity and trouble.

Trouble beyond my wildest dreams. Pregnant at 17. Scared and confused and on my way to college, I didn’t know where to turn. I couldn’t trust my parents to help or give me good advice. I still didn’t know I could turn to God. I was still looking for answers in the flesh. I talked to a family member who told me she had been pregnant and had an abortion and she would help me get one. I turned to the Yellow pages and the first listing at the time under the letter A was Abortion providers. It’s not that way anymore, it now starts with Abortion Alternatives. I made the appointment and the greatest error of my life.

After the abortion I was quite relieved and felt that I could now put that behind me and move on. But I hadn’t received any kind of counseling or spiritual help and so I found myself in the same situation two years later. I sadly perpetuated this same mistake two more times until I was drowning so much in my sin that I started to look for some other way out of the chaos in my life all the while never truly taking responsibility for my actions, but blaming the actions of those who hurt me for the misfortune I was experiencing.

Someone asked me to church and I started hearing the word of God. I stopped drinking and I started to get a small yet inexperienced spark of spiritual healing. Since I had known mostly how to feel bad about myself, I mistook this initial spark as IT. Then in a search for myself, I traveled all the way to Africa. With idealistic fervor I thought I would be a savior to the people there because I was feeling pretty good. I was going to church now. I was going to show these poor souls the way to happiness and success. But I was full of pride and things turned out quite the opposite.

When the dust settled from my grand entrance and I was able to see with honest eyes around me, I saw that the African people whom I had come to save were now going to show me how to be saved. They had literally sometimes only the clothes on their back and had experienced things far greater than me and they praised GOD with every breath. I thought to myself, how can I get this kind of faith? I felt ashamed of myself and turned back home, but not until I had left with a husband I barely knew.

The places I have fallen in my life have been those places that poor decisions were made with little to no thought and no advice from Jesus. The man I married turned out to be an addict and brought me lower than I could have ever brought myself. I would be here another hour telling you the awful things that happened. Although I was clean and straight, my life spiraled down very quickly because of the aftermath of his actions. Having had two small children by him, things became dangerous very quickly and I made the decision to leave the state where we lived and came back to Rhode Island. He followed me here.

I was worn out of fight and weary... just the right place to be in for God to enter center stage. Then…someone gave me a rosary. I didn’t know how to pray it so I just followed the directions on the card and prayed it with my then two small girls. It was not even a week when extraordinary things happened and chaos was lifted immediately from my life. My husband was arrested and deported back to Africa.

The path became clearer and I was able to feel a sense of hope. The Virgin Mary had brought me to Jesus because I couldn’t get there myself. At first I didn’t feel worthy because Mary was the epitome of virtue in a woman and I had violated all the virtues of a woman. But it didn’t matter. As soon as I asked for help from the blessed mother the way was made for me and I felt I could repent and be forgiven. I had finally opened my heart to God and given over my life to him. I didn’t have to fight the devil on my own.

I also learned that God would grant me what was good for me and not necessarily what I was asking for. Finally, the love I was searching for all my life came in the form of blind faith. Something I couldn’t touch, but would touch my life and change it forever. Something happens to you when you are infected with Jesus. I mean that in a good sense when every cell in your body wants to move toward Jesus and be more like him and know him more. Love struck. When you are without it, you can’t seem to be happy even when things are going well. And that was just the beginning!

Here’s the thrilling part of the ride.

I came into the pro-life movement nine years ago. I have witnessed at many events and have stood and prayed and witnessed in front of abortion mills. I am silent no more and I’m here with you now, airing my dirty laundry not to disparage myself or my family, but to share the Good News! That God can bring good out of horrible! That God can make joy out of sad! God can bring love out of hate and this is what we have to show the people walking in the clinic including the workers and the abortionists alike.

We must never think that we are better than they are. They are further away from God and we are called to bring them closer through our prayer, our love and commitment. Not through condemnation or judgment. We know what they are doing is horrific, but yelling condemning statements will only drive them further into despair. We need to show them the loving mercy of God waiting for them if they want it. If they would only ask for it.

I had been talking to the head nurse at an abortion clinic for four-five years now and she had never looked at me or said anything. One day, she started to calmly debate with me. One week later, she accepted my offer for prayer for her knee surgery and two weeks later she asked me to visit her at the hospital after her surgery. I visited her and she admitted she was done with that profession and was not coming back.

The following week the very man who took the life of my child at the abortion clinic, parked across the street and walked right next to me and when I asked him if he was ready to leave the occupation, he said, “No but keep doing what you are doing. I think what you are doing is good.” This is God’s intervention.

Please flood Rhode Island with your sincerest of prayer and especially for the all abortionists and nurses all over the country that they might open their hearts and come to believe abortion to be unthinkable. God is moving and working all over the country and Mary has promised us she will respond to every disaster and tragedy. If you don’t have a rosary of the unborn, get one. If you haven’t read Unplanned yet, read it. If you haven’t loved the people working at the clinic, try and if you haven’t prayed for the abortionists, pray for them now. These are our weapons that will lead to triumph for God.