They say to live your life without regret. If I didn't write this post, I would feel a lot of regret. This is the story of my abortion and how I healed from it.
Many of you, most of you, do not know the story of that year. Those of you who regularly read my blog may have caught on from my previous posts; those of you who went through the abortion, the aftermath, and the healing process with me know very well what I went through.
Since I've begun regularly writing about the very personal things in my life, many people have contacted me about the topics I've chosen to write about. The common thread in all of them has been appreciation for being so open and honest about my abortion. I have felt such a strong tug on my heart recently regarding the choice I made that I feel like the story I have may help someone else get through the burning affects of their choice to terminate their pregnancy. Please know that I am not pushing my opinions on abortion onto anyone and that I do not expect the same affect I've had in healing to be had by anyone else. I do believe that listening to others has an impact on us that is very unique and significant to each person. Before I sat down to write, I asked myself if I was only interested in sharing the details of what I experienced as appeasing others' curiosity and I asked myself how I wanted to write about it and what I wanted to share. I also asked the father involved if he was OK with me sharing what we experienced. I asked him because 1) I've known him since I was 13, 2) he's the father, and 3) he's married. To this day I have the utmost respect for him and will always share a history with him that cannot be taken away and cannot be tapped in to. You can judge me for what you're about to read, (I hope you don't), you can despise me, you can cry with me, and you can think about the many women and men who have experienced such heartache. But mostly I hope you read my story and rejoice in the healing and the person I have become.
Six and a half years ago, I made a decision that would change my life forever.
Affairs are something I've been exposed to since I was 9 years old. I remember going out in the middle of the night with my mother looking for my father and finding him in bars with other women. I remember the fights and the heartache I would intervene in and I remember the almost divorce of my parents. (They made it through and have been married 30 years!) But the most stand out memory I have of those years is the one thing I constantly told myself- I would never be the other woman.
Twice in my adult life I have been the other woman. One of those times I chose to be and the other time I was completely unaware until we broke up. (There is more to that story but that's meant for another time.) We had known each other for nine years at this point and had a long history together. He has always been the one I've called my high school sweetheart although we didn't end up getting married. I loved him from the moment we met and that love continued to grow throughout the years. This doesn't excuse what we did, but it was the kind of love you would do anything for and anything to have. The kind of love that rushes back to you each time you see each other. The kind of love that creates life even though the science within says it shouldn't.
Eight weeks after our affair I woke up one morning to take a pregnancy test. I had no idea how late I was because I had been so depressed over a previous breakup that I couldn't remember when my last period was. I remember sitting there and thinking there was no way it could possibly turn up positive again. What are the odds of two pill babies? (Brady is a pill baby.) But I can still close my eyes and put myself right back where I was. I looked over at the counter, having just flushed, and seeing the two lines clear as day. My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. My entire world stopped. What was I going to do with a baby as a single mom with a three year old? What was I going to do with a baby from a man who's married? I had no idea how I was going to handle this.
Once I decided to tell him I had all but died. What would he do? How would he handle it? How would his wife react? I had become the other woman in more ways than one and I felt horrible. How could I do this to someones family? How could I ruin such a perfect union of two people with children of their own? I started considering my feelings for him and all that we had been through in the past. I had made my decision and I was OK with it.
I thought that if I had gone through with the pregnancy I would've grown to hate the father. I would begin to expect him to be there at all times and when he wasn't I would start to resent him. Having loved someone as much as I loved him, hate and resent were the last emotions I could ever feel. I couldn't go through that with him. So decided that an abortion was the only acceptable choice. What I didn't realize was the affect it would have on me for the rest of my life.
Two years ago I was dating my ex boyfriend. President Obama had just won the election and abortion was a hot topic. We battled endlessly on pro-choice versus pro-life. At the time I was incredibly pro-choice but was not open about my reasons why. He sent me endless videos of abortions and pro-life advertisements. It didn't take long for him to break me down. I had to accept my abortion and start the healing process. It was not easy. I had many sleepless nights filled with tears of remorse for my unborn child. But he helped me get through it because he believed that the person I had become afterwards was not the person deep inside me trying to be free again. He was so right.
He directed me to Project Rachel. Through Project Rachel I went through a retreat called Raphael's Way. It helped me to see what abortion truly is, what it truly does to the people involved, and how to get healing and move forward. I was stuck in that moment and had no idea. The anger and the regret and the lies all came out that day. I cried so hard and so thoroughly that I was physically exhausted when it was over. I saw so many things and experienced such great moments in that one day that I can sit here now, two years later, and write about what I went through without crying. I can sit here and tell my story to all those who have experienced the same things and seen the same things with great strength and understanding for what they have gone through and are continuing to go through. Most importantly I can sit here and write my story knowing that I am forgiven and loved by my Lord and that one day I will see my precious baby once again. I have faith in that and from that I gained the strength to move forward.
Not a day goes by where I do not think about her. (They say that the gender you refer to your aborted baby is usually exactly what they are.) She would be five in April and would have been named Elliott. I see her smiling face and I am reminded that we all make mistakes. We all do things in the heat of the moment that we may one day regret. But I also know in my heart that I am forgiven by not only her but by the Lord and with that forgiveness I have been able to come clean with my faith and regain and rebuild my relationship with the Catholic church. During my retreat there was one constant reminder drawn through the entire day. And that reminder was Luke 5:32 which says "I call not the righteous to repentance, but the sinners." He does not want those who have done no wrong, He wants those who have the dirtiest of hands, the ugliest of truths, and hearts of humility. I have this verse tattooed as a reminder of my true savior.
It has been two years since I went through Raphael's Way. I live my life with true intent and love and I no longer live with the anger or sorrow that had filled my soul. I understand the need for forgiveness and the need for love in each of our lives. In the aftermath of my retreat, I was able to forgive my unborn baby's father and forgive myself. We have remained in contact and remained friends. I have since been through the retreat once more with a friend and continue to share my story with those who come to me with their own experiences.
If you would like further information on healing after abortion for yourself or someone you know, please visit
www.projectrachel.com or
www.anewchoice.org if you are in the San Antonio area.
http://nicoleemilywelkener.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-abortion-story.html
Thank you again and God bless!