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Testimonies
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My Life Out of Darkness
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Wendi
Oregon,
United States
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Hi. My name is Wendi and I regret my abortion. Having an abortion was not my first choice. I wanted my baby. I was excited. Even though I already had two children, even though I recently broke up with the baby's father, I was going to have this baby and make it work. Even though I was on state assistance, I could do this.
Well, after sharing the news with my mom, my main support system and closest family, my excitement turned to gloom. I listened to her give me the speech about my financial situation and how having another baby wouldn't be fair to the children I already had. Feeling like my plans were not in the best interest of my children and thinking my mom knew better than I what was best, I was left feeling I had no choice. I shared the news with my best friend. She offered support to keep the baby. She, being a Christian, knew it would all work out if I chose to keep my baby. She gave me info on adoption and other resources that offered anything but abortion. I was so emotional, so confused, and feeling scared and helpless without my mom’s support. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic.
I don't recall a lot about it other than talking with someone about basic info and being told I had to allow time to make up my mind before I got it done. I had to acknowledge I was there by my free will. I made an appointment for the procedure. I had a friend take me while her husband watched my other two children. It seemed like the trip to the clinic took forever. From the time I went to first visit until after it was done is just a blur. I remember parts of it but mostly just the numb feeling, like it wasn't me, I wasn't really there. I knew I was going against my heart. I knew what I was doing was wrong, based on my beliefs. I never thought I would be in this position. But here I was about to do what I thought I would never do.
I remember lying on the procedure table and being so scared, wanting to run out, wanting to wake up from this nightmare, wanting to be rescued. I could hear staff making small talk, chatting with each other like they were standing around the water cooler. I remember one female voice asking me about my rings; I had several on at the time. I don’t think I even opened my eyes the whole time. If I had, all I could see was black. I remember the sound of the machine and the suction. I can’t ever describe the feelings that came with the procedure. It took more than my baby from me that day. I don't know how long it took, but it felt like forever. Even though I didn't go to church at the time, I believed in God. During that procedure, I cried out to God. I cried out, while sobbing, for Him to forgive me! I remember feeling I had just committed the worse crime a person could commit. When they were done, I was escorted to a recovery area. I remember another girl being in there, but I was not sure if she was there before or after me. I didn't think I would be able to leave that room. I wanted to stay in the darkness, because that is where I felt I belonged and would remain. I cried for a very long time.
When my recovery time was up, I was escorted out to the waiting area. My friend was waiting with a hug for me and a ride back to her house to recover more. I felt like the scum of the earth, not worthy to be a mother to the children I had. I felt like everyone would be able to know what I did if they looked me in the eyes. It didn't fix anything in my life; it only made things worse.
I spiraled into a life of being depressed, taking drugs, having one bad relationship after another, being socially dysfunctional and suffering from anxiety issues. I had a hard time getting a job or keeping one. I lived with regret and shame. Then after years of my journey down the dark road I was on, my friend invited me to her church. I went and decided this was a church I could go to and not feel judged. I felt something moving in me. I wasn't sure what it was but I wanted more. Eventually, this church offered a support group for post abortion women. I wasn't sure what it was going to be like, but I felt I was ready to deal with my pain. I was tired of hurting and I didn't know if this group would help, but I was willing to try. It was not easy. It opened up the wound. I had thoughts of dropping out but stuck it out. Boy, am I glad. This group was the best thing I could have done. I learned about God's forgiveness, grace and mercy. I was able to look at just how deep the pain was and clean it out, so it could live my life out of the darkness. I had lived with years of pain but going through the healing program allowed me to receive God’s forgiveness and forgive myself. I will never forget my child, but I am finally free from the shame. That's why I am silent no more!
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