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Testimonies
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What I Lost
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Tim
Ohio,
United States
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I would like to tell you why I've been through two abortions. I allowed myself to be influenced and manipulated by my ex-girlfriend, who aborted both of our children. It was for the despicable, mere fact that they were going to get in her way. We had both said after the first abortion that this was never an option again, but yet abortion was one of the first words out of her mouth the next time. What do you say when the woman you love more than life itself tells you her life is over due to our pregnancy? Let me tell you, I still do not have a clue. But, that's not what I expected to hear uttered from my partner of more than ten years at that time. I did not expect it from someone I trusted with my life. I would have given my life for her. I have not been the same man since. My life has tragically turned into a continual replay of events that destroyed who I was and whom I used to know.
Regretfully, I have experienced two clinics in two cities. "My" first experience was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I have never felt so little, not only as a man, but as a person. The staff demeaned and belittled me so much that I could not stay one second longer in the building. That killed me, as I wanted to be there for my partner and to know she was doing okay. I will never forget that experience as long as I live, for other than the obvious reasons of losing my first born.
Immediately afterward, I experienced a great sense of loss, confusion, humiliation, and regret. To top it all, I was not allowed to mention a feeling or thought to my partner. I lived with holding in every emotion I've ever had for twelve years.
For the longest time, I lived guarded in the protective walls I emotionally built. As I said, expressive communication was forbidden, so I learned to go through life in complete denial. When the relationship started to fall apart many years later, I experienced an overpowering flood of emotions. They were so powerful that I completely lost control of myself and I fell into a severe depression. I attempted to take my life. Two and a half years later, I have still been unable to move forward in my life. I experience daily nightmares, drink heavily, and have not even been able to think of a new relationship. How could I make someone happy in this living nightmare I call my "new life"?
I am desperately looking for forgiveness from God and for healing to this day. I can't live as I am anymore, feeling so dead inside.
I am silent no more because of every word I wrote above. I was made to feel less than adequate to be a father by her. I bit my lip and choked down my pain. I am silent no more for every time I see a happy father and have to look quickly away because I am ashamed of what I did and regret what I lost. That's why I am silent no more.
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