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Walking in Forgiveness
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Michelle
Indiana,
United States
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My name is Michelle. It was the beginning of my senior year. I was just 17 years old and I just started dating an older guy. He was 23. I thought I may be pregnant, so I went with a friend to a place that offered free pregnancy testing. I had the test and I was, in fact, pregnant! I was in shock and disbelief. How could I be pregnant? How could this have happened?
I had heard stories about girls getting pregnant in school, but I never thought I would be one of them. I didn't know what to do. I thought about what it would be like to have a baby. How would I support it? How would my life change? Would the father help me? Would he accept the baby? How would I tell my parents? They would be so disappointed in me and ashamed of me. I felt scared. I told the father first, and he said he didn't want to be a parent right now. That made me feel scared and alone. What was I going to do?
I did not tell my parents. I was too ashamed. I decided an abortion was the only way. I knew I wouldn't have the guts to tell my parents or give the baby up for adoption. I felt trapped. I felt like abortion was my only option. I could get an abortion quietly and quickly and no one would ever know. I would go on with my life like nothing ever happened.
I found an abortion clinic and called to make the appointment. The date was set. The father of the baby would not go with me, but he gave me the money to do it. I asked a good friend to accompany me. Thankfully she said, "Yes." I could not have faced the horror of what I was about to do alone. I was so scared and in shock. I believed that I had to do this no matter how horrible it would be. I actually thought I was being brave. I was doing the right thing.
I came up with some excuse for where I was going to my parents and headed for my appointment. I felt like It wasn't real. It seemed like I was outside of my body watching from above everything that was happening. I felt detached from the situation to some extent. I believe that was the only way I could cope with what I was about to do. I told myself that it was just a blob of tissue and it really wasn't a baby. It couldn't feel pain and the sooner I did it the better. I had to do this before it turned into a baby. Everything I had heard about abortion I told myself to comfort myself.
I entered the clinic with my friend. We checked in, and I paid them the money and sat down and waited for my turn. I looked around and saw the other women sitting there with the same sad, sick look on their faces. Everyone was looking down at the floor. I was surprised at how many women were there. I wondered what they were thinking. What they were feeling. I wanted to run at that moment. I wish I could have told my parents. I wish there was another decision I could make, but I couldn't see any way out.
I just couldn't wait for it to be over with and then go home and get on with my life. I hated being in that place. I felt sick. I knew that this was wrong somehow, but it seemed too late to turn back. I was hoping a savior would walk through that door and say, "Come with me, Michelle. It will be okay. You don't have to do this. I will take care of you." But that someone never came and then it was too late.
My name was called. I got up and followed the lady to a room. She told me to get undressed and put on a gown and that she would be back. I did as I was told. I remember the nurse being very kind and sympathetic to me. She could see my anxiety. I was told what they were going to do. The word "baby" was never used. I was told that the "tissue" would be removed. I laid on the bed with my feet in stirrups. They inserted a device into me to keep the opening wide and then they numbed my cervix. They inserted a device inside of me, and I heard a suction noise, like a vacuum. I remember it feeling very uncomfortable. I was staring at the ceiling repeating to myself, "It will all be over with soon" as tears streamed down my face. The nurse stayed in the room and held my hand. They hid what they sucked out of my body. It was never spoken of. The doctor had no expression on his face. He did his job and then he left the room.
When it was over the nurse told me what to expect and directed me to an area with cots lined up in rows where myself and other women went to recover. It was an open area with a bathroom off to the side. I was given juice and a cookie. I was told to lay there for a certain amount of time to make sure I was okay. I was told it was normal to experience clotting when I went to the bathroom. This was the rest of the tissue coming out. I was told I would experience cramping and bleeding for a few days. I was never told how I would feel afterwards: the tremendous guilt and shame that would stay with me for decades.
I left the abortion clinic and went home. I felt horrible. I felt like a monster. What had I just done? I couldn't say the words to myself then, but I had just murdered my unborn baby. In fact, I paid someone to do it for me. I had so much guilt and shame. I pretended just like I planned. I pretended all through my senior year. But on the inside I was dying. I counted all of the weeks until I would have had my baby. I would tell myself, "I would be 6 months pregnant and now I would be 7 months pregnant” and so on until my due date. And, I would wonder what the baby would look like. I thought of the baby all of the time. On its first birthday and second birthday, I was depressed. I was tormented by my decision. I carried a terrible secret. What would people think about me if they knew?
Six years later I would repeat this experience. By this time I had a two year old son with the same dad from my abortion. Our situation was bad. I was drinking and doing drugs at this time, and we broke up and I started dating a different man, and I got pregnant again. What was I going to do? I didn't want to raise another child alone, so I made the decision to get another abortion.
I had never felt so low. I decided to give my son up for adoption and end my life. I didn't want to live anymore. I had made such a mess of my life. I couldn't seem to do anything right.
But, God intervened. One Saturday night my best friend called me. We hadn't spoken in some time. She had gotten "religious" on me, and she was against abortion so I couldn't confide in her. I lied to her and told her I had a miscarriage. I think she knew the truth. I was so depressed.
Through our conversation she asked me if I wanted to pray and it took all of the courage I had to say, "Yes." You see, before that day I couldn't see how God had anything to do with my life. Her sister had given me a Bible years earlier, which sat on my shelf. I took it to be polite. But, when I agreed to pray that night, I surrendered everything I had. I was saying, "God, I can't do this anymore on my own. I need Your help!" And, help me He did! I received the Holy Spirit that moment and I was changed! She led me through the sinner’s prayer, and I was a part of God's family! He would never leave me alone. He accepted me! Abortions and all! I didn't want to end my life anymore or give my son up for adoption. I wanted to live! Live my life for Jesus!
I knew that God had forgiven me for my abortions, but I didn't walk in that forgiveness. I didn't know how. I spent twenty-two years still feeling guilt and shame. I went through a Forgiven and Set Free Bible study and that is when I truly experienced and understood forgiveness. I am truly forgiven and set free from my guilt and shame, and that is why I am silent no more!
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