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Testimonies
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Now I Know
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Peggy
Pennsylvania,
United States
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My name is Peggy Means. I am an Anglican Priest and a Registered Nurse from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and I regret my abortion. When I made the decision to have an abortion, in 1980, I was ending my junior year in college. I made the decision in isolation, alone in my bedroom. I found myself trying to bargain with God. After the year I had in college, with more emphasis on partying than on academics, my terms of negotiation were easy, “Lord, if you let me pass all my courses, I can deal with being pregnant. If I fail my any classes, I would be a disappointment to my family, but if I’m pregnant, no one would be affected but me.” At least that’s what I thought!
I gave no thought to how it would affect the father of my baby, I only knew that he would pay for this abortion. I never bothered to ask him what he thought or felt, before or after! I gave no thought to how my decision to abort would affect my own future relationships.
First, there were my friends back at college, my nursing school classmates, including the father of my baby. But our relationship changed after that, not only with me, but with others too. He quit hanging out with the small group of friends we had all become. Everyone else wondered what happened to Steve, why did he suddenly quit hanging out with us? No one knew, except him and me, and we never talked about it. Even today, I wonder about him, I wondered how he feels about a decision that I made in isolation. Last spring, after thirty years, I finally told some of those friends from college about my abortion. It didn’t take them long to figure out why Steve quit hanging out with us.
Next there was my boyfriend. When things started to get serious with Scott, it became clear to me that I needed to tell him about my abortion. At the time, when I told him, having an abortion didn’t seem like a big deal to either of us. Over the years, as we grew, individually in our faith, and together as a couple, the decision I made in isolation began to affect us in ways that we could have never predicted. This was especially evident when we tried to start a family. As we struggled through infertility treatment, the shame and guilt from my abortion gave me reason to push Scott away, taking on this infertility as my own issue, one that he could not share in.
Finally, there is my daughter, the beautiful gift who came into our lives through adoption. As the Lord called me to motherhood, He also brought me out of the darkness I lived in for over twenty years. I knew that, eventually, I would need to tell her about my abortion. It took me years to have the courage to tell her. Now, eight years later, even though we don’t talk about it much, I know that she understands the pain and suffering that resulted from my abortion. But I know that she also understands the ongoing process of healing that comes only through Jesus Christ. She knows the bond that I share with my sisters and brothers from the Rachel’s Vineyard team.
When I made the decision to abort, I did think about my future, but I didn’t think about any one else’s. I was deceived by the culture, believing that a single women with a baby to a man who wasn’t part of her life could not be a success, that life would be difficult. I believed that the convenience of abortion would erase the bad judgments I made in college. I believed no one would be affected by the decision I made, in isolation, to end the life of an innocent child. When I made the decision to abort, I did think about my future, but I didn’t think about any one else’s. But now I know that these were all just lies.…I know that success is being a transformed, redeemed servant of Our Lord, I know now that this child could have brought enough joy to my life that I would forget about any bad judgments I made in the past. I know now that this body and this life are gifts from My Heavenly Father, gifts to be cherished and used for good. And I know now that making the decision to have an abortion is one that has lasting effects, not only on me but on people I couldn’t even imagine, that’s why I am Silent No more.
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