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Testimonies
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Quality of All Life
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Luciana
Romania,
Romania
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The reason I had the abortion was mainly the pressure of family and medical staff. I already had a two year old daughter, and we wanted another child, very much. However, during the first trimester screening – ultrasound followed by double test—the results indicated possible chromosomal abnormalities. A nuchal fold of 7 mm, two fingers missing from one hand, possible lack of nasal bone, and swallowed chest and abdominal area. The blood test came positive with a high risk for the Down syndrome, while a very experienced ultrasound doctor said that it was a girl, and there were big chances for the Turner syndrome.
Despite my husband being a protestant, he was from the beginning opposed to the possibility of an abortion. I am Orthodox and killing my daughter was the most horrible thing and sin I could have done. After going to the doctor’s twice and as the pressure from my family increased to give her up, I decided I could not give her up because I loved her too much and I wanted her no matter how ill she would be or how difficult it would be for us. My husband wanted the same, and we even planned to give her to a specialized institution if we could not have taken care of her on our own. That was my last good day when I felt proud and happy.
We were pressured by the doctors and offended by my family, because I needed three weeks and three appointments to decide. This caused us a huge amount of stress. I was repeatedly told that my daughter was a piece of meat, not a baby, that there was no purpose in her life to be born, and that I would ruin the life of my other daughter and our marriage.
Despite living abroad I was unfortunately in Romania when all this happened. I never imagined an Orthodox country, where most people are Christians, would not even allow me to take time to decide but push me to kill. The prenatal screening works only as an instrument of choosing the good and strong ones so that the others must be eliminated. It was not even one doctor ready to talk to us about other possible solutions or options we would have had if we kept her. They only said that it was unthinkable, that no woman should do so much for nothing.
My baby was very ill and had very small chances of surviving the pregnancy. Nevertheless, I met another woman younger than 25 years old in the corridor of the abortion clinic who asked me if I know how it would be performed. She was not even sure she didn’t want to keep her child, a perfectly healthy child! Not even a psychologist or the doctor offered her explanations or possible alternatives or even sent her home for some days to rethink about it. Then the nurse called and she silently went inside the room. I did not see her again, but I ran away. That was my second appointment.
So I made the last appointment in a private and expensive hospital where I got a reserve, and I waited with my husband for three hours so that the specialist would make time for me. I had an advanced pregnancy so it must have been quickly solved. I cannot tell you more than this: I got a full anesthesia because, otherwise, I could not have done it. I remember only screaming afterwards that I wanted my baby. The medical staff was very nice, friendly. The only thing they recommend was a pill around 15 minutes before for opening the cervix and then going on your own to the room where the surgery was performed.
The doctor came in after because I could not stop crying for my child and softly said I should calm down. The embryo was anyway not viable; she was frail and broken into pieces. I wished I had the power to scream at him, but those words hurt so much, they cut like a knife. I kept crying with my husband for an hour, and then I just could not stay a second more. I signed a document and left for home.
Strangely, there were no physical pains, only inside my heart, and I appeared a whole. Nothing changed around us, except us. Life immediately moved on for everybody.
Since then I went abroad and tried to survive. Despite going to a psychologist, I cannot overcome the desperation, sadness, and void inside. I should have protected my baby from all that is bad, and instead I killed her. This is all that crosses my mind. Sometimes I have the feeling that things are improving. However, it is only a false impression that lasts for some days, at most a week.
I miss my daughter. I want to take back that day and, despite being only a short time since then, it kills me inside every second to know I will not see her, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her.
Please, all you who go through such an ordeal, first try to get an objective opinions on what your alternatives are and seek help from qualified persons, even if the ones dear to you do not understand or support your decision. Do not be afraid. The pain and suffering after killing your child is unbearable, no matter what pills you are given or what kind of extraordinary, rewarding life you have. The consequences cannot be avoided but only postponed. I believe from the deepest of my heart that no matter the severity of her illness it would have made us stronger as God would have been next to us. Now I am mourning a child I killed, a girl I will never see or love, a baby who had no fault but the one to be my child.
I decided to be silent no more because I discovered with shame and deep regret that Christians accept and embrace this option naturally while refusing to discuss the consequences and that this is not what God created us for. We do not have the right to kill, even if a child is ill or does not conform to the standards of what “good quality of life” should be. God has had a plan for them when He sends them to us. They love, they feel, and live despite their sufferance or inabilities. Fight against abortion and encourage others to choose life.
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