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Testimonies
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Working on Peace
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Jennifer
California,
United States
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I regret to say that I have had two abortions. My first one was when I was 18. I already had a baby at home and things weren’t going well with the father. I didn’t want to end up stuck with him. My decision was selfish. I felt guilty for a while, promised God I wouldn’t do it again, and always felt I wanted to do something to help save the unborn.
Then, ten years later, I found myself in a crisis pregnancy. My situation was not good. I had an estranged abusive husband that I had been in court with and had an open children services case due to his domestic violence against me. Then I had the father of my unborn child, an abusive boyfriend from whom I was trying to get away. I was so afraid of what he would do if I kept the baby, as well as afraid of how upset my estranged husband would be. My abortion choice was based on fear. He would tell me how he would take me to court and try to get full custody of this baby. That was something I greatly feared because I'd been in court battles and was still going through one with two other fathers of my children. He also said that if I didn’t cooperate with him had call DCFS on me and try getting my kids taken away. He just started saying the most cruel, hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, telling me to get an abortion and that he was praying for a miscarriage. I felt lost and scared.
So I made my decision to abort out of fear. I was so sad and scared on the day of my abortion and also feeling guilty already. At the clinic the staff was polite but seemed so evil to me. My conscience was telling me, “Get outta here! Go home and rest and eat.” But instead I listened to my fears and forced myself to go through with it. The moment they put me on the bed for the procedure something told me to get out, but I forced myself to stay. I was so nervous the anesthesia didn’t put me out. I just remember trying to grab someone’s hand for comfort. It was a very traumatic experience. When I got home I felt extreme sadness. Within days that turned to regret, shame, depression, and post abortion stress syndrome. I was hurting and lost. I would give anything to have my baby back.
Ever since my abortion I have cut off anyone who advised me to have it. I have been back in my abusive relationship with the father because I felt I don’t deserve better. I been hoping to become pregnant again which I know is not smart. I cannot forgive myself. I can’t stand seeing pregnant women or babies due to guilt. I have nightmares. I have flashes of what my babies would have been like. I am in extreme agony. I am trying to heal in post abortion individual counseling, and I’m also seeking help from an abortion group. I have turned to God for forgiveness. I have learned I cannot judge others if I don’t want to be judged. I have been in deep pain and am working on peace and forgiveness and slowly getting there and that’s why I am silent no more.
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