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Testimonies
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I Carry A Burden
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Chelsea
Michigan,
United States
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I was 19 and had just started dating the father of my aborted child. When I found out I was pregnant an abortion was my first instinct. I wasn't excited or scared or questioning anything. My mother had an abortion when she was my age, and it was without a doubt my only option as well. I was at my mother's house, and immediately she offered the option of abortion. Keeping the baby wasn't discussed until I met up with my boyfriend. He begged me, tried to plead and bargain. I still remember his words, "We have options." It didn't matter, his feelings didn't matter, and my mind was made up. I was a drunk, in and out of jail, unable to raise a baby with a guy I barely knew. I set the appointment and spent the next week emotionless. I didn't listen to anything he said. I begged him to go to the appointment with me, to which he never showed up for.
The details of the day and the days following are hard to remember. They have been pinned away, shut out. Many times following the procedure he and I would scream at each other. His mom wrote me a letter to which was torn into tiny pieces. I was called a murderer, a baby killer, words that will never leave me.
After God's healing and years of forgiveness, I was able to find the road to righteousness. I thought my choice was in the past, that I had been able to heal and move forward. He and I somehow unexplainably were able to move forward. We married in 2013, and we're expecting our first child, a girl, in 2015. It was not until she was born that I realized all the pain and remorse, and regret and self-hate came back with a vengeance. I spent countless days and nights with my face in my hands, sobbing over the loss of my first child. How could I have ever done something so malicious? The agony was unlike anything I've ever felt. I would look at my newborn daughter and weep for her loss of her sibling. The nights she would cry for no reason, spoke to me as though it was punishment for my actions.
Eight long brutal months I held in that pain, thinking I could overcome it on my own, until I no longer could. I was able to share with my husband all the regret I had been feeling. We mourned together for a solid week, until the only thing left to do was pray. My journey to healing has really just begun. I have decided I cannot turn away, I cannot go back. I just recently had another baby, a boy this time. Now I have two under two. I think about my first born almost every day. I carry a burden, the shame with me all the time. I am slowly healing, but I'm not sure I will ever fully, and that is why I am silent no more!
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