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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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God's Work
Indiana, United States

Much of my life, prior to meeting our Lord, Jesus, was distortion.  Growing up in a non-Christian home, with very little parental supervision, caused me to have a lack moral understanding. I was rejected by my peers because of my physical appearance and lack of self-confidence. Taking the lead from my parents, I learned to escape to alcohol at a very young age. I distinguished my identity based on a distorted view of sexuality, rather than on who God created me to be.  Confusing unfiltered adult entertainment with reality, my self-esteem was crumbling. My destructive sexual lifestyle choices began at age 13 but, somehow, I avoided pregnancy until I was a sophomore in college.  Nevertheless, the 30 years that followed would include six pregnancies.

I chose to follow through with an abortion, being completely deceived by collegiate influences about the truth of human development. It was paid for by a beloved great aunt, who I later concluded had experienced a botched backstreet abortion that left her barren.  I believe she was trying to protect me from what she had experienced. This would be my first of three. The thought never crossed my mind that there was a tiny life growing inside me, and the clinic employees never referred to my child as a baby.  I have vague details of the actual procedure, but I remember being anxious to get back to life. Over the next couple years, I developed depression that was only exaggerated by my alcohol consumption. I would soon after become pregnant again and have a miscarriage.

About two years later, I became once pregnant again.  Even though I knew the father was unreliable and unfaithful and although I was feeling hurting and empty, I chose to keep my baby. My daughter was born after a very difficult pregnancy with life-threatening complications. Unfortunately, the hole remained unfilled and the depression got worse, so I went back to my accustomed lifestyle.  I unwittingly rejected innate motherly instincts, insisting that I had to work two jobs, and I left my daughter with my sisters most of the time. The prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications only made matters worse, which led me to attempt suicide multiple times.

Nights out after work resulted in many more short-lived, sexually driven relationships. Once again, I found myself pregnant. Remembering the medical complications of my first pregnancy, I questioned the doctor about the safety of having another child. She immediately referred me for an abortion. This time, my mother accompanied me into a dark clinic, tucked away in a hospital basement.  Purposefully numbing myself with extra anti-anxiety medication made the experience surreal, and I have little memory after pushing the “B” button in elevator. 

I became pregnant once again, my fifth pregnancy, with a man to whom I was engaged. He had become addicted to crack cocaine and it caused me to question if his drug use would physically affect the fetus.  Without informing him, I called the abortion clinic, and they advised that I come immediately. The nurse would not let me see the ultrasound screen, telling me that the child was “not going to be right” and that I needed to take care of this “problem” right away. I decided to wait and discuss it with my fiancé. Being extremely ill over the next several weeks (which I realize now was only morning sickness and anxiety) coupled with the clinic’s repeated follow-up calls caused me to become anxious about my physical well-being. They ultimately convinced me to abort my child well into the second trimester.  My fiancé accompanied me to the clinic, but while I was killing our child, he left me there to walk home alone. Cleaning out my bank account, he proceeded to get high with my money. I didn’t see him for days, ending our relationship.

Later, I met my future husband, getting married a couple weeks before the delivery of our beautiful, healthy son. I had absolutely no complications with this pregnancy, despite my doctor’s insistence that my pregnancy would be dangerous.  A few months later, my husband left me because of the amount of weight I had gained during my pregnancy.  Shortly after we filed for divorce, in February of 1999, I accepted Jesus as my Lord. 

God released me from my full-time job, where I was tempted by alcohol and placed in sexually enticing situations. Shortly after, I went to work for a local pregnancy center. This was completely ordained by God, because it put me in the position to receive the healing, facilitated by post-abortive Bible study and fellowship with other post-abortive women, that I so desperately needed. After appropriately morning the loss of my unborn children, I was then able to be the mother I was designed to be, to the children God had entrusted to me. I was almost immediately delivered from the prescription medication, alcohol, and sexual addictions.

Eventually, sidewalk and intervention center counseling became a part of my job and ignited my passion. I was blessed to see God’s work first hand; precious babies being snatched from the hands of the same abortionist that I had allowed to take the lives of two of my children. I also began leading post-abortive Bible studies and counseling post-abortive women, helping them receive forgiveness and healing as I had.  As I began to compare women’s stories with mine, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I started to understand the coercion of pro-abortion medical providers and the abortion industry.  I was blessed to hold the precious baby of a “healthy” woman who was sternly told, by this same abortion clinic, that if she didn’t abort she would not live through the pregnancy.  And all of this is why I cannot help but be…. Silent No More!


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