I had my first abortion when I was 17, a senior in high school. I had been dating my boyfriend for about six months.  He was my first sexual relationship. I had an abortion at about 16 weeks into my pregnancy.  I waited so long because, when I first found out I was pregnant, I wanted to get married.  But my school counselor discouraged me, and my older sister, who was in college, said it was just a lump of cells. After much internal struggle, denial, and delay, I gave in to the pressure and advise of older smarter people.

The actual abortion experience took place at a hospital as a saline procedure.  I felt extremely uncomfortable and was totally uninformed about what was going to happen. I was in an emotional fog, no one noticed my face had tears running down my cheeks and that my hands were shaking as I signed the papers as I was admitted. During the 24 hours of my labor, I felt such pain as never before.  During the night, I was groaning and calling for help, when a nurse came in and said, "Shut up, you are disturbing the other patients."

I was humiliated and ashamed. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to cry.  I didn't know I was supposed to be silent.

Immediately after the abortion, I felt confused, disoriented, and strangely relieved...I instinctively knew something had gone, and yet in the coming days and years, something else had come...depression. This led to an obsession about babies.  Suddenly, I saw babies everywhere. I saw women pushing strollers and immediately thought, “That could have been me.”  This led to an obsession with bringing my aborted baby back.  I got pregnant again. First, elation, joy at knowing there was the spark of human life alive deep within me. The joy was short lived, because my boyfriend and I quickly determined that an abortion must be obtained right away.

The long term impact of my two abortions included a descent into drug use, many casual sexual encounters, a lot of yeast infections, scabies, and feelings of loneliness. I attempted suicide several times, cutting my arms with knives.  I had a paranoid reaction to LSD. I engaged in a lot of risk taking behavior that was contrary to who I was before the abortion. I used alcohol and pot to ease the loneliness and guilt. I cried a lot. I had nightmares of hearing a baby cry in the distance. I wanted a way out of the emotional pain and perpetual inner darkness.  I dropped out of college, because I could not concentrate and just didn't care anymore.

Fast forward through the next 15 years of an angry, drug-fueled marriage, four children, several affairs and then divorce.

I found myself going back to church. The unspeakable word, abortion, was addressed in a sermon on Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. After private counseling and participation in a post abortion support group, I found forgiveness and healing. After years being emotionally shut up, today I am able to talk about my post abortion trauma. This is why I am silent no more.