Hi, my name is Emma, and I am 22 years old. 

I was brought up in a poor neighbourhood, in a separated family with low income jobs. My mum was 19 when she had me. I'm not saying I had a bad childhood, it's just when I found out I was pregnant at 19 years old it terrified me to think that I would be doomed to live my mother's life. 

I had tried so hard to get out of where I came from. I went to school, then to college, and got great grades.  Then at 18 I was accepted into a great university a few cities over. It was my first week there when I met my boyfriend. We didn't start dating until a few months later, and I knew then that he would be the love of my life. Eight months into the relationship I found out I was pregnant, a Christmas Day conception. By this point I was half way through my university course, feeling like there was no way I would be able to bring up a child. I felt dread that I would be exactly like my mother, that I would be unable to finish university, that my relationship with my boyfriend would be ruined, and that I would have to let my friends down on the house we had just signed a year’s lease for. It angers me to know that I valued pleasing other people more than the life of my innocent baby. None of the minor stuff mattered, I wish I knew that then. 

Because of all my worries, I felt like the easiest thing to do was to terminate. I live in a society that is very accepting of abortions, and I knew people that had had one, if not more and so I felt like it was an okay thing to do.  After all, it is legal, so why wouldn't it be an okay thing to do?

I had told my boyfriend that I was pregnant the day I found out. He agreed that we should terminate. I asked him if this was a good decision, and he said it was as it wasn't the "right time". I had told one friend who also agreed it was a good idea. I had no one to tell me I could do it. No one to tell me abortion was wrong, no one to tell me to sit down and make a different plan than what I had already envisioned for myself. And so I ended up being a sheep to society and walking down the dark path disguised as "liberation" and "acceptance". 

I went to my first appointment at the end of January where a very nice woman performed a scan where I found out I was five weeks one day. I also had to see another woman to explain my reasoning for the abortion. This woman didn't even look at me. She just read questions from a screen and typed in whatever I said. I was then given my appointment for a week later. On the day of the appointment I wasn't too nervous. I still lived in my own little bubble that thought abortion was a choice, and I just needed to rid myself of this little inconvenience, so I could focus on my degree and my life, because I was too selfish to share. I didn't let myself think too much about what I was doing, because I thought it was the right decision and I just wanted it over with. So I swallowed my pill and went home. My nausea went away within an hour, and the pain started shortly after. The pain was a bit worse than my usual period pain, but it only lasted a day. 

I think I felt relieved that it was over, and I could finally return to my youth. But the more time went on the more the guilt and the sadness crept up over what I had done. It's bittersweet that I learnt abortion was the most evil act I could have ever done only after I had done it, and the reality is that my baby never got to see life because I was too selfish to take responsibility for my actions. It's been over two years since I had the abortion, and my youth never returned. I am stuck longing for a universe where I let my child live. It would have altered my plans a bit, but it would not have meant living my mother’s life, it would not have meant ruining my relationship with the father, and the minor things like the new house meant nothing!

My relationship with the father is as strong as ever, and I know I will marry him one day. I dream of the day I can have his children. I do not have the luxury of saying that the father was a one-night-stand, he was, and still is, the love of my life, so why couldn't I raise the child that came at an unexpected time?

I feel I will never be forgiven for what I have done, and I don't want to be. The best I can do now is try and inform people that they do not have to heel at society's ideals, and that just because this barbaric act is legal, doesn't mean that it is right, and to tell people that it doesn't matter that so many people think it is a good choice, and it doesn't matter that people will tell you that you "can't do it", "it's not the best time for you", "you have so many things left to do", "you're not ready".  YOU CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN YOU!