I was 16 when I had my first abortion. Scared and with no counselling, I agreed with my FAMILY and FRIENDS that it was the right choice. I didn't even think of my baby’s beating heart. I believed it was just a clump of tissue. Before the abortion, there was no discussion of risks or side effects.I thought my life would change forever if I had this child and didn’t know until later that my parents were looking into a home for young mothers. I thought abortion was my only option, and I chose it.
About a month later, I was depressed and didn’t care what happened to my body. The pain ran so deep. I had many different sexual relationships in a desperate attempt to feel loved. I drank and used drugs to numb the pain. I slept a lot because life was much better in dreams.
I went on a low-dose birth control pill and got pregnant again after missing some pills. I told the father, and he said it was up to me. I thought he was saying he didn’t want a baby. I drank more and did more drugs, not even considering the life I carried.
I was three months pregnant when I finally told a family member. I went to an abortion clinic in the states, where I was awake for the whole procedure. I heard the suction, and I watched the jar fill up with my baby, piece by piece. The nurse said it was just tissue. I drank so much that night, trying to forget what I done, again.
The guilt and remorse came again. I got pregnant a third time, intentionally, the same year. I’ve learned that many women who experience multiple abortions often do that. I got married and had our baby, but we divorced six months later.
My son was three when I had my third abortion. I drove myself because I didn’t want to tell anyone I was going to climb onto that table again. The procedure was extremely painful. Afterward, I was weak and bleeding heavily, but I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. I had to stay at a friend’s house, because I couldn’t drive myself home.
I never talked about my abortions to anyone, including doctors. But I needed to feel whole and to fill that void of shame and grief. Through years of searching, I found God who would forgive all I had done and help restore my character. He set me free and healed my pain.
One day, on TV, I heard the testimony of a woman who had an abortion. I finally knew I wasn’t alone. I cried so hard with the realization of what I had done and grieved my children and my choice. I asked God to forgive me. Later, I wrote a song for my three aborted children. It was a love letter to them, filled with my regret.
God gave me courage to speak out. I wanted to be a voice for my children, to reach women with a message of healing and to expose the lies about abortion. I now had a purpose.
I still find myself mourning my unborn children at times. But going through Rachel's Vineyard helped me heal as well as go through a grieving process which gave me peace to know they are in Heaven.
Twenty-seven years later I have three wonderful children, Derek, Dezsarae and Naiomi.
I also have three beautiful children in heaven, Daniel, Cherice, and Tamara. For them, I am Silent No More.