I left a very dysfunctional home at 16 and had huge abandonment issues. I fell in love with a guy, and I got pregnant.  He was leaving the state for a job, and I wasn’t sure he would come back. How could I take care of the baby?  I was also drinking and doing recreational drugs—what if something wrong with the baby?  I had always wanted to have my own family and children, but I was afraid.  And fear is a liar. Fear can debilitate you into making a decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. 

The process at the Planned Parenthood clinic was sterile. I was close to the three-month period, and I believe they gave me a sonogram or ultrasound, but I did could not see them perform it. 

I learned later that they don’t let you hear or see anything. This revelation made me feel so robbed and manipulated. I know that if I would have heard the heartbeat or seen the baby, I would not have made that decision. 

When I woke up from the anesthesia, I became hysterical. The nurse asked, “Was there anything wrong?” I said, “Of course there is something wrong; I just killed my baby.” I wanted to know if it was a boy.  She said, “Yes, it was a boy.” I don’t know if that was true or not but, in my heart, it felt true. 

From that day, it was downhill. I withdrew. I went into a depression. I remember all I wanted to do was work, come home, and go to sleep. My relationship with my boyfriend disintegrated, because I had nothing to give, and my heart was broken. 

I never had children. Subconsciously, it kept me from getting too far involved in relationships that would get me to marriage and having a family. I felt like I didn’t deserve that.