I was a senior in high school when I had my first abortion. I was scared and dating a new boyfriend. I did not want to bring shame to my family. I did not want to miss my basketball season. I did not want to miss out on college. I did not want people to know I had been having sex. And I did not want to lose my new boyfriend. My new boyfriend's mom gave me info on an abortion clinic, and she and my mom took me. My stepdad paid for it. I did not tell the father of the baby about the pregnancy.
When I was pregnant with my first son, I was directed to a crisis pregnancy center in my hometown. This is where I had a spiritual encounter with God and began a new path in my life.
When I became pregnant with my third child, I wanted to get involved and volunteer at my local pregnancy center. It was here that I learned embryology and the truth of what I had done. I learned that much of the anxiety, self-destructive behaviors, and bad relationships I was experiencing was connected to my abortion and that there was healing for me. I realized I had not really faced my own two abortions. I confided with a training leader, and she got me started in a post abortion healing group. Many years later, in 2015, I moved to a new town. I found there was a pregnancy center two blocks from my house, and I went to volunteer there. I went through their Forgiven and Set Free Post abortion healing ministry and began volunteering as a client advocate. I now help lead the healing ministry for post abortive women as a peer counselor.
Through this healing ministry I learned to be real with God and trust Him with my pain and confusion. I learned about His deep love for me, and the way He saw me was very different from what I thought. He had died to offer me forgiveness and wholeness. He saw me as worthy of suffering for, so I could have a love relationship with Him.
Knowing this and accepting this gave me permission to forgive myself and to let go of shame. This study helped me accept and acknowledge fully the life God had given and the choice I made to end that life. I was able to grieve and receive comfort and healing. I was able to name my children and ask for forgiveness.
Now I am whole and not broken. My relationship with Jesus is stronger, and my relationships with others are the healthiest they have ever been. I see myself in my Father's eyes of love and mercy. I now love and care for myself, choosing healthy ways of dealing with life's ongoing struggles. More women need to know that there is deep healing for them out there, and that is why I am silent no more!