I underwent two abortions 44 and 42 years ago when I was young and very naive.  I was embarrassed that I was pregnant and scared and unable to share my story with my parents or with anyone that might have spoken life into my situation.  I was in college at the time of the first abortion and working at a new job at the time of the 2nd abortion.  I didn't see how I could go through either pregnancy.  I believed what the medical “professionals” told me—that it wasn't a baby, it was just a “blob of tissue”, that the procedure would be over in no time, and that I could just get on with my life.  

But that was a lie!  It was a baby - with all the potential to become whoever God had created him or her to be!  I did not just get on with my life!  Initially, I felt relieved that my “problem” was “solved”, but the relief was replaced with shame, guilt, regret, and anguish.  I became promiscuous, drowned my sorrow in alcohol, lived a life in denial of my past, and avoided thinking about anything to do with my abortions.  Had someone asked me if it had affected me in the early years, I would have denied that it affected me at all.   After all, it is not something women want to speak about—it is too shameful! 

I had some success in putting thoughts of it out of my mind for periods of time over these many years, but there would always eventually be triggers, which would result in depression, crying spells, and deep sorrow. Even with this emotional upheaval it was still many years before I really grasped the gravity of what I had done!  I had murdered my own two children!

My denial and avoidance issues also extended to other areas of my life and affected my relationships, my parenting of subsequent children, and other aspects of my life.  

Finally, 44 years after my 1st abortion, I realized I had to deal with these issues in order to be free.  I was able to attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat, where I really realized how deeply wounded I was.  I was shocked myself at the deep, gut-wrenching sorrow, which was poured out as I began to share my story!  The retreat was a big step in my healing journey.  

Since then I have been able to share my story with others, and God is slowly healing my heart and my hurts.  It is my prayer that God will use my painful past to bring hope and healing to others who have suffered and that I might be an instrument of healing as well as speak truth into others' lives, such as women who find themselves in the same position I did.  I would give anything to be able to go back and change those decisions.

  

I am no longer silent, as I do not wish anyone else to have to suffer as I have!  The truth about the long-term consequences of abortion need to be told!