Fall of 2000, I found myself pregnant with my fiancé’s baby. His son to be exact. He immediately demanded that I have an abortion. At first, I was excited to be expecting.  Then it turned into fear. I was afraid of being pregnant before marriage, even though I was engaged. I was desperately hoping my fiancé would want our child, but he relapsed from using drug and said he's not in the right place to be a dad. I went to a few friends for advice.  One said it's my choice, but I wanted her to tell me not to do it and another suggested adoption. I liked that idea, but the baby's dad had no intention for adoption, saying no other family would be raising his kid. It broke my heart. He gave me an ultimatum; if I didn't have an abortion, he will leave me. I was so afraid and ashamed of being pregnant, because of my culture, upbringing, and faith. I was also very co-dependent on my partner, so I reluctantly agreed. 

I went to planned Parenthood, and there the "counselor" gave me the form to fill out for Medicaid for emergency medical coverage. In December, around 14 weeks, I was scheduled for a medical surgical procedure. I went to a factory-like building in downtown LA.  I went in by myself, my fiancé just drove me there and drove away. Inside, there were other girls. Everyone looked pretty devastated and didn't make eye contact. At once, we all were called into another room, where we got into our gowns, then one by one we were taken in for ultrasounds. I didn't want to see, because it broke my heart. I had a feeling I was having a boy, and I asked, and the person said yes. Up to this point I didn't want to do it and already felt regret. Then I went inside.  They gave me anesthesia and, due to my hip problems, I was afraid the procedure would cause pain.  The doctor reassured me—there would be no pain, and it would be very quick. I remember hearing the vacuum sound, praying, asking God to forgive me Then it was done, but I went into a panic attack and my blood pressure hit the roof and wouldn't come down. It took a couple hours for it to come down, and I had a lot of bleeding. While in the bathroom, I remember feeling relief for a split second.  Then the regret came back with fury. I don't fully remember how I got home, but I know my fiancé picked me up finally.  I was in and out, I felt like I was dreaming. 

Once home, I just wanted to sleep. I felt so depressed. I isolated and withdrew myself from friends and family. Life went on, but I was always sad. We eventually got married and had our first son, but that just made me more regretful of my first baby, then of the miscarriage I had the following year after the abortion. For 19 years I carried this secret burden. I struggled with depression, rage, and anxiety.  I felt disconnected with people and extremely critical of myself and others. I couldn't bear it anymore. 

My second husband encouraged me to go through post abortive recovery when we found about it at the church we attended at the time. I joined a post abortive recovery women's retreat through Care Net, and I found true healing. We studied from Surrendering the Secret, and it was life transforming. I was able to forgive my first (late) husband and finally accept Jesus's forgiveness, which I rejected for so long. I thought I didn't deserve it, but His amazing love reassured me that there is no condemnation in Him when we ask for forgiveness. I have shared my story and continue to share my story, because for too long I stayed silent, but now I am silent no more.