I had an abortion 5 years ago. I was a few years into a committed relationship with my boyfriend when I found out I was pregnant. He didn't take the news well and said he wasn’t ready to be a dad. He ended up pressuring me into an abortion that I did not want. Although I was pressured into it, I do not hold him accountable because I made the appointment.  I drove myself there, and I took the pills.

I reluctantly took the first abortion pill in the Planned Parenthood office. On my way in, a woman shouted at me from across the street that babies were murdered there. She was holding a sign with graphic pictures of dead babies, who were pulled apart during abortions. That should have been enough to make me go home, but for some reason I stayed. The appointment was fairly quick. I was required to see an ultrasound of my baby and the beating heart before they could give me the pill. Again, I should have ran out of there, but I stupidly stayed. They gave me one pill to take there and another to take at home hours later. I cried hysterically for the hour drive home, wondering how I could be so cruel to kill my own baby. I was so disgusted with myself after I took the pill, and I wanted to reverse it so badly, but I did not know you can still save your baby, as long as you don't take the second pill and sought treatment. Not long after I took the second pill I felt nauseous and light headed and stomach cramps started. I felt so weak that I just wanted to lay down, but I was in excruciating pain with heavily bleeding, and I felt that sitting on the toilet was best. I birthed my dead baby into my toilet. I was heartbroken when I saw that it had tiny fingers and toes. I bled a lot, and the abortion was excruciatingly painful, almost as painful as my two unmedicated full-term births. 

After the abortion, I became withdrawn, depressed, and turned to alcohol to drown the pain. I cried myself to sleep every night for months and sometimes contemplated suicide, because the grief and guilt were overwhelming. I'm sure you're wondering if I left my boyfriend; I did not. Looking back, I think I did not have enough self-esteem and was just too depressed. I didn't want my family to know about the abortion, and I didn't know what I'd tell them if we broke up.

As time went on, we mended our strained relationship, and I forgave my boyfriend. But I was still having a hard time with my own guilt and had not forgiven myself. Every time I saw a baby, tears would rush down my face uncontrollably. I totaled my car on accident, because I was crying while leaving my cousin’s baby shower, and I made a judgement error while driving. I was jealous of my now sister-in-law throughout her pregnancy, because we would have been pregnant at the same time. She announced her pregnancy only a week after my abortion. It was a very dark time for me, and I longed for my baby so badly. 

I started feeling hopeful again when I found out I was pregnant with our first child. I didn't feel worthy to be a mother, but I was so thankful that I had another chance. 

We are now married, have recently became Christians, and have two amazing kids, who fulfill our lives in ways that we couldn't have imagined. But we both regret that decision, and we will for the rest of our lives.

I am so thankful that God gave us these two precious babies after I murdered our first one. That word is hard to hear, but it is true. Abortion is murder. Abortion is selfish. Abortion is taking an innocent life. Abortion is absolutely wrong, no matter the circumstances. If you have an abortion you will regret it. That regret never leaves. In fact, I feel regretful almost every day when I look at my children and wonder what their sibling would have been like. I hope I will see my baby in heaven, as unworthy as I am, because I didn't fulfill my motherly duty of protecting him or her. 

Others who are close to me who have had abortions as well. We had our abortions in secret, and we are not proud of them. We are not empowered by our abortions.  The feminists who say that abortions are empowering are lying to you. We are ashamed of our choices and live with the guilt and shame.

My husband and I have found forgiveness and healing in our faith in Jesus. We know that our sins will be forgotten if we hold fast to our Heavenly Father. My faith gives me hope, even though I still struggle with guilt and shame. And I might struggle with it for the rest of my life. But I am now ready to start openly talking about my abortion so other babies can be saved. And so other parents can avoid the heartbreaking reality that is the result of abortion. 

If you are considering abortion, please look to Jesus for help. And please look to any of the numerous resources that are ready to help women who are considering abortions for various reasons. They will show you that there is another way, a better way. Please do not murder your baby; God gave that precious child to you.