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Testimonies
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Freedom and Healing in Jesus
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Peggy and Anna - Pittsburgh Regional Coordinators
Pennsylvania,
United States
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I had my abortion when I was 21, in my third year of nursing school. I’ve come to understand that the choice I made was a sinful choice driven by my own pride, a choice that would have consequences for the rest of my life. I spent more than 20 years lying to myself, confused, and filled with hidden shame. But, by The Lord’s Grace and Redemption, those consequences have led me to this place, this ministry. In making the choice to abort, I never considered that I was nurturing a life inside me, a gift, created by God. I only saw the inconvenience this would cause to me, my family and my friends, especially to the father of this baby. So rather than consider the life growing inside me, I chose abortion. When I arrived at the clinic, I was in complete denial of that life. I considered my action that day simply as a clinical procedure, a procedure known only to me, my best friend who drove me to Buffalo and the father of the baby. The clinic staff convinced me that I made the best decision, especially considering my circumstances, 13 weeks, with one more year of nursing school.
For the next twenty years, I threw myself into my work, striving and pushing to overcome organizational challenges, trying to create top performing teams, hardening my heart to the emotional and spiritual pain that was deep inside me, pain caused by my abortion, caused by the guilt and shame from this hidden secret, the sin I couldn’t own.
Even after I fell in love, married, and attempted to get pregnant, the pain continued. My inability to conceive after marriage brought more pain and was the first thing that made me face the consequences of my decision to abort. And the consequences we painful, for me and for the people I loved. As I grew in my faith, this choice that I made, so many years before, continued to haunt me. I began to understand that the choice I made, to have an abortion, was indeed a sin.
It was the acknowledgement of the abortion as a sin that opened the door for the Lord to begin a healing redemptive work in me. The Lord used my pain to begin a journey of healing; a journey that included trials and Blessings, and Rachel’s Vineyard and Silent No More were two of those Blessings. Along this journey, our gracious God gave me a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter through adoption and a call to serve Him He also showed me the son I aborted, gave me a name for him, Samuel John, and led me to minister to those who’ve been struggling with this sin.
I know now that when I left the clinic that day, I committed a sin, a horrific act. I succumbed to the lies! I worked hard to hide the guilt and the shame, a sin that eventually I had to deal with. And I know now that the God of all creation gave His own Son, Jesus Christ, for my sin, my abortion. And I know now that no sin, even abortion, is too much for Him to forgive. To all of you who have experienced the pain of abortion, know that God’s grace is for you. Choices are available to you. Jesus was and is and will always be available to you, loving you and ready to forgive you and set you free. The sweet taste of this freedom is why I have chosen to be Silent No More!
Anna's Testimony
I have amnesia to many details surrounding the 1990 aspiration abortion of my child. I recognize that my consent to the brutal killing of my own most precious child was nearly fatal and irreparably traumatic for me, spiritually and emotionally, but, for the LOVE and Forgiveness of GOD. It occurred during my second year of college, and my mom had recently committed suicide. I was smoking cigarettes, regularly using alcohol and drugs, and holding animals during X-rays without a shield on myself. I chose abortion because I was very scared that my child would be severely handicapped due to my destructive lifestyle choices. Further, I was told by a women’s clinic staff member that my developing child was not a baby but a “blob of cells.” I now understand that I was gripped by demonic spirits of death, self-destruction, fear, and addiction. The father of my child drove me to Charleston, WV for the abortion. Before the doctor entered the room, I took water from the sink tap and baptized my baby in The NAME of The FATHER, JESUS and The HOLY SPIRIT. I was most likely using marijuana just before the abortion and I cried inconsolably throughout. I remained under the influence and within a few days after my abortion, I saw a tiny hand on my toilet paper, about two mm in size. I was not certain if I was seeing correctly, but I was. During the three decades following my abortion experience, I became a mother, a nurse, a local government leader, and a photographer; but, even amidst many wonderful circumstances, I was not wonderful. I knew that I was dying, and an accomplice to murder. I was a murderer, and worse, I was separated from goodness, and separated from GOD. I quit smoking and using drugs shortly after becoming a nurse, in approximately 1993. Near the time surrounding my abortion, and afterwards, I also committed additional grave sexual sins and viewed pornography. Also, following my abortion decision, and for the next thirty years, I suffered with intrusive, torturous and unceasing thoughts, including: “I allowed a doctor to kill my child,” “I had an abortion,” “I am a murderer,” “I am unforgivable,” “I may go to hell.” These thoughts resulted in a continuous state of: regret, guilt, shame, despair, depression, hopelessness, sorrow, and torment. Likewise, throughout these three decades, I cried frequently and uncontrollably, feared dying, overworked myself, lost my hair, had heart palpitations and was often in a cold and profuse sweat. I was claustrophobic in even small crowds, and continually hyper-vigilant. I had poor emotional boundaries and attached inappropriately to family, friends and acquaintances. I could not overcome self-blame, nor post traumatic, selective mutism related to abortion. Two friends that I acquired the courage to tell about my abortion, withdrew from me. Although I had asked GOD countless times for forgiveness, even confessing to a priest, I did not feel forgiven. I felt so alone and had no idea that so many parents suffered from choosing abortion. I also had no concept of abortion’s pandemic magnitude and global destruction. Sometime around 2005, a Priests for Life priest came to my church and spoke mercifully about abortion, and I was comforted and began to have increased hope related to my salvation. Also, around that time, I learned of The Silent No More Campaign. Fifteen years later, GOD asked me to share my abortion testimony to my daughter and then publicly. GOD’s Unfailing LOVE has ultimately brought me immeasurable direct and indirect healing! The shepherding of my pastor, Dr. Reg Morais, the healing program of Surrendering the Secret, and the ministry of The Silent No More Campaign have each made wondrous contributions and I am forever grateful. It is with eternal gratitude that I pray and firmly intend to honor GOD, loving HIM above all, and loving all as HE loves each of us, in efforts to bring HIM only Glory forevermore.
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