My name is Brigette, I am here today to share how abortion hurt my life.  I have had three Suction D&C Abortions.  My first abortion was at the age of 14, I was a freshman in high school. I had a second abortion before graduating high school and a third abortion as a young adult. 

I chose abortion because I did not want to shame my parents. They were both prominent citizens in our community and both worked with children and families. I felt dirty, ashamed, and confused. At 14, I was immature and naïve. To hide my secret, I went to my school counselor. She wrote me a note to leave campus and receive a pregnancy test.  I was able to make an appointment, for an abortion, without my parents consent and receive medi-cal to pay for it. 

Fear of getting in trouble crippled me, nothing could stop me from fixing the problem. At the clinic my boyfriend tried to talk to me about it and asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it, I said, “yes”. I did not give him an opportunity to share how he felt about it, I took away his right and his voice. 

Before the abortion the nurse told me not to look but during the procedure I did. I saw blood in the clear collection container. I knew I killed my baby, and I immediately disassociated my emotions from what had just happened. From there I lived the next three decades of my life in a daze, using drugs, alcohol and promiscuous behavior to self-harm and escape. 

I cannot share about my second abortion, there is still pain associated with it but I can say my life was forever changed as I began to isolate and sink deeper into destructive behavior, anxiety and depression.

When I became pregnant the third time, I was numb. Fear ruled my life, avoiding pain and shame became the only way I could breathe and look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to die. I knew the abortion was wrong, but I had no hope and could not see a way out of the mess I created for myself. I scheduled another abortion. My boyfriend took me, and he knew another man in the waiting room, the humiliation crushed me as they greeted each other with nervous laughter. My eyes on the floor I thought again about how I wish I was dead. Prepped and on the table, my feet in the stirrups, a nurse came and stood by my side. I felt her hand touch my shoulder and she looked down at me. I looked up into her eyes as I cried, she looked at me and said, “you do not want to do this, do you?” Looking at her I said, “NO”. She responded, “it will be over soon.” In that moment, my rights were denied, my NO wasn’t heard, my voice wasn’t heard, and the life of my child ended. 

As women and men, we have been raised to know that “No means no!”  But in an abortion clinic our NO is denied and silenced. 

My abortions were covered in secrecy and managed through denial and avoidance. My parents didn’t know, my closest friends didn’t know. I became bitter, a survivor, until I found healing and hope through the forgiveness of God. Through Him I was restored into wholeness and a life full of joy, peace, and purpose. God used a Deeper Still Retreat to bring me into the understanding that I can be forgiven, and that Jesus paid the debt for what I did. I no longer had to punish myself, Jesus took my punishment. 

Abortion hurts women, it is not a quick fix and that is why I am SILENT NO MORE.