I was 22 years old, had recently separated from my ex-husband and had 3 small children ages 4 and under. I met a man who made me feel beautiful and loved and I was pregnant almost immediately. He was thrilled as he had no children of his own and was older than I was. We entered into a relationship that I dreamed would be everything my marriage was not...and then I realized that he was a hopeless alcoholic.
The relationship was short-lived and I found myself living with my mother. She told me that I would have a hard enough time raising my 3 children on my own and that it would be even harder with another baby...that I should have an abortion. I was afraid that she was right. I felt alone. I went to Planned Parenthood to find out what my options were. I was afraid that I was getting too far along to have an abortion at this point...I was already starting to show.
They did an ultrasound that they would not allow me to see. I remember the technician asking me how far along I was and being surprised...and saying, yes, I guess you are. I used that moment to convince myself that there was something wrong with the baby and justify getting an abortion for years. I was never given any other options, never had the process explained to me. I knew that I was getting a D&E but had no idea how that was different from a D&C or what either of those terms really meant.
The day my baby died was overcast and rainy. A friend of my older brother drove me to the clinic and drove me home. He was a father of 6 children and I could tell he was sad but he didn't say anything to me. He brought me flowers afterwards. A couple of months later I read an article that explained in detail what a D&C and a D&E process is. It broke me. If only I had read that article a few months earlier...I NEVER would have killed my baby.
Learning that her poor, tiny body was ripped apart limb by limb has been the hardest thing I have had to live with. She paid the price for my mistakes. After learning that, I carried such guilt that I had my tubes tied. I had to go through more counseling to get my tubes tied at such a young age than I had to go through to get an abortion...but I just didn't feel like I deserved to ever have another child. I carried that burden for almost 20 years before I experienced the forgiveness and healing of God.
When He saved me, He began the process of healing all of my brokenness, like salve on an open wound. I know that one day I will get to hold my little girl in heaven, where her father has already joined her. I didn't tell him about the abortion until I had already done it and it broke him, too. He never did have any children in this earth and it was very healing for me to know that he made it heaven and got to hold her there. I don't ever want someone else to suffer the pain and regret of abortion that I have suffered and that's why I am silent no more.