I had an abortion because I felt pressured by the father of the baby. We were in a committed relationship and while the pregnancy was unplanned, I was very much looking forward to becoming a mother when I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, he was not and when I told him I was pregnant he immediately told me he wasn't ready to be a father. 

I tried to explain all of the reasons why I wanted this baby and even though it was unplanned, we would find ways to make it work. After a week of being guilt tripped and pressured and unable to make him feel the same, I knew that I was going to have to have an abortion. 

During the abortion procedure, I felt indifferent. Part of his words had gotten through to me, and I started thinking that maybe this was for the best. We would have had to change so many things that maybe this was just the best choice for us. I still didn't want to go through with the procedure, but I knew that was what he wanted. I couldn't find the courage within myself to fight for my child. 

Immediately after the abortion, I felt sick. I felt a small bit of relief that the stress between he and I was over, but I felt sick knowing what I did. As time went on after the abortion, I felt and experienced anxiety, depression, alcohol abuse, nightmares, relationship problems and severe self-esteem issues. To this day, I'm triggered/traumatized when I see newborns or babies or children. I feel jealousy and regret and I feel like I should have my son or daughter here with me rather than in Heaven.

I found help and forgiveness through my best friend and eventually my current boyfriend. I find it hard to forgive myself and I feel like at this point in my life, I should have become a mother. I feel like now I'm too old and at this point, I won't ever have that chance and I wasted it because I felt pressured into something I didn't want to do. 

I want to heal, and I want people to understand that while having an abortion is a choice, it is very real pain to have afterwards and it doesn't ever really go away. I want people to understand that having an abortion is a life changing event and affects every aspect of someone's life. I want to heal and be able to forgive myself. I want to feel that God has forgiven me, and I want to feel like my child has forgiven me. I want to feel like I can finally break free from the pain and that's why I am silent no more!