I had my first abortion at 16. I had my last abortion at 29. In those 13 years, I had 9 abortions. It's so hard saying it out loud. I look back on every single one and wonder if that was really me who did this in hopes that it was all a terrible dream. Sadly, it wasn't a dream and I chose to kill all 9 of my children.

 

At 16 when I got pregnant, I remember my mom telling me just a couple of years before that if I ever got pregnant, I would be out of the house and all alone taking care of a child on the streets.  I was afraid of my mom, but I was more afraid of being alone with a baby since I was just a child myself. I tried to hide it from my mother, but my brother found out and told her. She did warn me that aborting this child would affect me for the rest of my life, but she did nothing to stop me. My parents were separated so my father wasn't involved in any discussions. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference to be honest. 

I went to the hospital to get the abortion done. The morning of my appointment, I had to take the bus by myself, because my grandparents were in town visiting and my mother had to drive them to the airport. I loved my grandmother so much that when I lied and told her I had a regular doctor's appointment and couldn't come with her to see her off, it just destroyed me. Little did I know that the lie was just the tip of the iceberg. 

After the procedure, my life was never the same.  My very fragile relationship with my mother was even further broken along with my relationship with my brother.  Something inside of me broke. I became reckless and slowly began to self-destruct. 

I learned nothing from the first abortion and went looking for love in the form of sexual relationships. I kept getting pregnant and heard the same traumatic words over and over. I will be alone out on the streets with a baby. The fathers of the children didn't help much with the decisions. The first two fathers were too young. One was too invested in his education and wanted to finish school before he started a family. After three abortions with the university student, I turned to heavy drinking and occasional drug use. Each time I got pregnant after that, I was so messed up on substances that I thought I had already damaged my child. My mother's voice was also telling me I would be alone on the streets with a baby.

I couldn't stop this demonic cycle. I couldn't stop the alcohol and drug abuse. I couldn't stop the suicide attempts. 

Each time I went to get yet another abortion I hoped that someone at the hospitals or at the abortion clinic would say something about how frequently this was happening. No one said a word. I expected them to at least roll their eyes when they saw it was me again, but they didn't. I was just another patient they made money from.  Feminism was starting to really take root in our society so if I spoke to anyone I always got a "You made the right decision. You were too young."  Or "Well, if you can't take care of yourself how could you expect to take care of a baby?" If I spoke to other women who had abortions, they told me they didn't feel guilty. I felt like a freak for feeling the way did.

It was like I was the only woman whose life was destroyed by abortion so if every other woman could get on with her life, there was something seriously wrong with me for struggling to keep my life together. 

This went on for 20 years. After my last abortion. I finally found healing with a post-abortion healing ministry called Project Rachel. I found that after two decades of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, it was God's love that convicted me of what I had done, and God's mercy that healed me. His truth also showed me the lies I had been told about abortion and also how the abortion workers "lied" to me by omission. 

No one told me that after the first abortion, a woman is much more likely to repeat it again because of unresolved trauma from the first. I also didn't know that I had been through trauma 9 times and was suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No one told me that I would never be the same after the first time and that I was losing large pieces of my soul each time I terminated my pregnancies. No one told me that the abortion industry would  chew me up then spit me out without a second thought because there were more women like me to make them money. 

I have to speak up and speak out against this evil. I can be silent no more because I do not want anyone to see what I have seen in my life. 

The good news is, God restores all who believe in Him.