I was in a relationship with a married man in 2008. He left his wife for me, and we began a serious relationship!
About 3 months into the relationship, I found out I was pregnant at my first doctor's appointment I found out that I was just about 5 weeks. We were very excited to be expecting a child together. I was also the mother of an 11-year-old daughter and a 6-year old daughter from my first marriage! But as the weeks went on it began to be very clear that he was a very messed up person and there was no way that I could have a child with a man I couldn't count on!!! And even though I was a born-again Christian, a faith believer and spoke to God on a daily basis and attended church on Sundays, I started thinking about abortion because I just didn't want to deal with the situation that I was in. I figured if I was to get an abortion. I could get rid of the married man and go on with my life and everything can go back to normal!
So in December of 2007 I made my appointment at planned Parenthood for January 2008 to terminate my pregnancy.
The morning of the procedure I woke up nauseous, I knew it was wrong, but I wanted out of the situation I was in. All I could think to myself is that I was only about 8 weeks along and the baby wouldn't feel any pain. The sister of my boyfriend went with me to the abortion. When I got there, I walked in and checked in as you do at any clinic. Shortly after I was taken back to a room and was given a white pill and then the nurse left the room. While I was by myself, I decided that I didn't want to have the abortion! I wanted to back out! I needed to go home with my pregnancy intact! When the nurse came back in, I asked her what I could do to reverse the pill so I could keep my baby! She said there was nothing I could do, the procedure had already started! (I found out later it was just Tylenol she had completely lied to me). I could feel my heartbreaking!!!
I started having a panic attack and the whole room was spinning! I was devastated! I had to talk myself through it, I told myself that this is what I wanted and everything was going to be okay! even though I was nauseous and felt like passing out! I was taken into a room in one corner was a garbage can and a vacuum looking thing and a table. The room was very cold, I changed into a gown and then the doctor came in and introduced himself. He sat in a chair at the end of the table and started to prepare for the procedure. The nurse brought him the vacuum cleaner machine and the garbage can. And then shortly after there was a long suction piece of equipment that was inserted inside of me, and it begins suctioning I can hear the noise in my head to this day!!!!!
The procedure took about 10 to 15 minutes to complete when the doctor was done he handed the garbage can to the nurse and scooted the machine out of his way and left the room. At this point all I felt was anxiety, I was so overwhelmed! When I set up on the table, I looked at the garbage can and realized my sweet little baby was in the trash! I realized what I had done! I was taken into a room and given a heating pad and a couple more white pills for pain, and I sat there with about five other women and we all recovered from our ABORTION! After an hour I was sent home! With no instructions of aftercare and nobody told me about the depression and anxiety that can happen hours after the abortion... I was not educated at all about the procedure or the days after the abortion!
Immediately when I left the clinic the remorse started setting in. I was so depressed! I couldn't think straight! All I wanted to do was run myself off a cliff in my car! I went home and got in the shower, and I cried and screamed at God because I was so mad that he let me kill my baby! I went through this devastation and remorse for about 12 years. The anger was unbelievable!
In my journey after the abortion I was so angry at the world and God and everybody in it!!!! All I wanted to do was just HATE!! Not only was I drinking and using marijuana excessively, I also started prostituting myself I became a woman that a man could call if they were lonely or needed a good time! The way I felt if I could destroy their lives and take their money it made me feel better about the situation, I hated every man alive!
After years of abusing everyone and everything around me I was so tired of the pain! I began to write my feelings down on paper and spoke to God on a daily basis even though I was mad at Him!!! I had to turn to Him to receive complete healing! Because at this point, I was planning my suicide as soon as my daughters were raised and out of the house! One evening I told the Lord you either heal me or you kill me and that I wasn't going to go through it anymore!
It wasn't a couple days’ time and I completely forgot about the pain of the abortion. I knew I had an abortion, but the pain was gone! I was literally healed by Jesus himself! I am a true testimony that He does heal you, if you turn the situation over to him! There are so many more details of my life after the abortion that I cannot share at this point because I don't have time! But I can tell you if you turn to God, you will receive the healing that you need from an abortion to be able to go on with your life!
About 2 years after I received my healing from my abortion I was able to publish the book that I had been writing for over 8 years of my testimony of my abortion and what it was like to live after abortion!
My book is called, Aftermath life after abortion.... I was also ordained as a minister and I now have a ministry called aftermath, healing after abortion! I also published my second book called healing after abortion! I'm so very proud of my accomplishments and the ability to help other women deal with the stress and anger from having an abortion! To me abortion is a lifelong sentence of a living hell!!!!! If we don't know how to heal ourselves! Or who to turn to for help!
So basically, even though I went through the most traumatic thing in my life!!!!! Only God could help me accomplish the things that I have accomplished after my healing! Even if you are not religious in any way and do not believe in God! But, are tortured by the memories of an abortion! Please seek help there are people out there to help you, know that you are not alone!
Yes, abortion is devastating and life changing! There is healing! I am living proof of that! Thank you for listening to my testimony!