My Name is Carol Marie Siedenburg and I’ve had 2 abortions. My first abortion was because I was afraid to let anyone know that I wasn’t a “good girl” and to admit that I’d been having sex. When I found out I was pregnant I had already broken up with Craig, the father of my first baby. I knew that I didn’t love him and I first told my best friend Janet that I thought I was pregnant. Her sister was a social worker and she told me that she knew how we could “take care of my problem.” This was the first time I’d ever heard of Planned Parenthood. She took me there and they confirmed my greatest fear, I WAS PREGNANT!

I met with Craig to tell him the news, I felt that as the father he needed to know. Sadly, he was as overwhelmed as I was and didn’t offer any assistance other than to pay for the procedure and to drive me there. Because I was a Senior in High School, and still on my parents insurance, Planned Parenthood referred me to the Santa Clara Kaiser Hospital, where I was put under general anesthesia during the procedure. I woke in a room full of gurneys filled with other scared young women. When I was ready to go, Craig and I were walking down a long hall and a man called out my name. I told Craig to ignore it. I think it may have been my neighbor for whom I babysat, and to this day, I’ve wondered if my neighbor was my abortionist. You see, there was no doctor / patient relationship, I never met my doctor.

Afterwards, I felt dirty and ashamed of what I had done. As time went on, I hid behind a wall of anger to deny that I’d done anything wrong. Whenever the subject of abortion was raised, I thought that the pro-life person who mentioned the topic was angry. I realize now that I was projecting my anger onto those around me.

My second abortion was 5 years later, this time I knew I didn’t want an abortion, but both my doctor and my fiancé insisted because I’d been given an x-ray that may have harmed my child. Despite my preference to keep the child, I ultimately caved to the pressure and allowed my second baby to be ripped from my womb. Again I was anesthetized for the procedure.

It took me a couple of decades of pain before I was willing to admit to the trauma I’d been denying, and I sought healing through Rachel’s Vineyard. My healing has continued with each opportunity I’ve had to give my testimony, as I know the Shame I lived in is gone and this is why I am Silent No More.