Today marks my third March for Life in Washington D.C. and for the third time culminates in me sharing my abortion testimony of grief and suffering as a result of my “choice.”

For me, each testimony is unique to the perspective with which I’m telling it and that comes from where I am, or was, in my healing journey.

On November 9th 1989, I was 16 years old and dependent on my mother who brought me for the abortion. She was 52 at that time and dangerously lukewarm in her faith as I was ignorant of the personal consequences of my abortion. 

My memory of that day is very clear to me, even thirty-five years later as I am now the woman turning 52, strong in my own faith and well informed about abortion.

I was driven to a “reputable abortion clinic”, as per my mom’s Christian OB/GYN. When we arrived on site early that Thursday morning, there were picketers outside with anti-abortion signs and sickening images of butchered babies. I couldn’t tell you if the faces on the people were friendly because I was traumatized and put into a state of shock. 

I was emotionally numb walking in and, yet, at the same time mentally clear for the first time in realizing that what was about to happen was horrifying. My fear didn’t motivate me to act or intercede for myself but rather paralyzed me, and with zero confidence to speak up, question, or trust in my mother allowing me to choose life and support me raising her grandchild, I silently participated in the death of my unborn child. 

That choice and its implications have led me to purgatory, hell and back through stifled grief acted out via drug use, alcohol abuse, self-loathing, survivor guilt and suicidal ideations. I developed unfounded fear about subsequent pregnancies, childbirth, child health a.k.a PTSD and anxiety over the auto-immune health issues and suffering that have arisen steadily in the decades since that deadly choice.

Sure, along the way I have had holy moments and healing each time I share the truth. I’ve confessed, witnessed, peer supported, honored, marched, written, shared, listened, and most importantly learned a lot since 1989. 

Even still, nothing in any of that, nothing in all the positive experiences combined will ever bring the joy, the purpose and the grace back to life, that was my child, the one God intended when He allowed for a MIRACLE of LIFE in my womb. 

God gives free will, allows for choice … and I say just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. I will not participate in the secrecy that perpetuates the sin and that is why I’m Silent No More !