Hello, I am Julia from the Ottawa Valley in Ontario.  I will never forget the children I conceived but did not protect. One died from abortion; the other through my use of contraception. These were choices I made and they nearly destroyed me.

I was just out of college and working, with student loans to repay. I was sexually active and using contraception, believing it was all acceptable behavior.  Then I got pregnant. None of my friends had babies but some had had abortions. My boyfriend left the decision to me. I should have protected my child but I chose abortion.

The abortion took place in a major hospital, under anesthesia. The next day I returned to work, believing I was OK.  Shortly after, I ended the relationship with my boyfriend and the abortion became my secret.

Years later, after I got married and had two wonderful sons, I began to experience insecurity and anxiety. I had nightmares and I gradually became less able to manage basic day-to-day tasks. My life spiraled downward into depression. I left my job. I lost my marriage. I sought out various forms of therapy, but these did not help. I could not seem to get to the ROOT cause of my depression.

Twenty-three years after my abortion, I read these powerful words: “If you are depressed from having had an abortion, help is available..."  In the shock of this message, my body knew the truth and my conscience could no longer suppress the lie that the abortion had HELPED me. The abortion destroyed my child and was also destroying me.

I made the call for help, and I found the courage to share my secret while journeying with other mothers and fathers suffering the loss of a child to abortion. 

The baby in my womb was real. I named her Marissa and I grieve the loss of her life.  I will never forget her and the conscious choice I made not to protect her.  I repented of the abortion and over time, I accepted forgiveness for this seemingly unforgiveable choice. But every year in June, when we should be celebrating her birthday together, I am overcome with sadness. 

In recent years, I have asked God to show me other choices in need of repentance, and I find myself unravelling a decision prior to the abortion. When I started dating, my doctor advised me to use the contraceptive pill as protection. I now know the pill prevents a fertilized egg from implanting in the womb. Instead, the newly conceived child becomes homeless and is aborted. I had conceived a tiny child during this time!  I have named him David. I could have protected him at conception but I did not know what I had done. I mourn his loss.

Over the years I have found help through various healing ministries, such as Second Chance Ministry, Rachel’s Vineyard and the Sisters of Life. While my journey is ongoing, I have learned to forgive myself for failing to protect my children. For them, I am Silent No More.