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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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If I Could Do It Over

Young
Alabama, United States

I am 65 years old now, but I will never forget that day. I lived in France at the time. Abortion was against the law, so I had to go to Switzerland to get it. When I got to the clinic, I only saw two nurses. You were told to come after 5 pm when the doctors were gone. The nurses caused me to bleed, then they called the doctor on call. They told him I came in bleeding, to make it look like I had tried to do the abortion myself. I never even saw the doctor. I will never forget the pain. When I woke up, I was having contractions like being in labor. Two weeks later, I had to go to an OB/Gyn because I had a bad infection. He had to cauterize my uterus, which he did without anesthesia. I remember screaming, and he told me I was making too much noise.

My little girl, whom I named Cassandra, would have been born in February. How ironic that both my twins and then my last baby were all born in February. They were all boys. I killed my only girl. I often think about her, what she would look like, her personality, and if we would be close. My twins live far away and I only see them every few years. I think about the fact that maybe she would have made me a grandmother. My twins are unmarried and do not want children; my youngest is autistic, has CP and he lives in his own little world.

If I could do it over, I would have kept her. Yes, it would have changed my life, but I know my mother would have helped me. Maybe I would have become a Christian sooner and would not have wasted my 20's. I certainly would have learned years sooner how to live unselfishly. I would have learned sooner the meaning of responsibility. I have been through several seminars on inner healing and though I have forgiven myself, I will never forget what a horrible decision I made at the time, and I will never forget that I killed my little girl, my only girl.

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